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Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.



He had never felt so utterly blissful in his entire life. A small part of him wondered if perhaps he had died and gone to heaven, but he thought that part was being rather pessimistic about the whole thing.


After all, being dead would mean that James hadn’t just spent the past three quarters of an hour snogging Lily Evans.


James had stretched himself out on top of the unused desk at the front of the unused classroom, replaying the past forty-five minutes in slow motion, occasionally hitting the Repeat button in his brain. After watching one specific bit four times, he was quite giddy.


He was just about to indulge in a fifth viewing when the door slammed open and he toppled off the desk.


“James? Why are you on the floor?”


“Why am I on—“ James cut himself off, going from confused to furious in the space of a heartbeat. “Why am I on the floor? Bloody—what the hell, Sirius? What the bloody hell?


“It was just a question!” Sirius said defensively. “No need to be so bleeding touchy.”


“You—“ James cut himself off again, admitting to himself that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. “Is there any particular reason you came storming in here like a herd of hippogriffs were chasing you down? You interrupted something.”


Sirius glanced around the classroom, looking wary. “I don’t see Evans here. What could I have interrupted?”


James was about to tell Sirius just what it was he had interrupted—the most blissful moments of his life—when James decided, again, that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. With Sirius, you had to pick your battles, and James was most decidedly not in the mood for any battles just then. “Just tell me why you’re here, Sirius.”


There was no other way for James to describe it—Sirius suddenly drooped. He looked like a puppy that had just been thwacked on the nose with a newspaper for trying to nick a sausage off the table. “I don’t know what to do,” Sirius said imploringly.


James barely stifled a sigh. With Sirius, everything was a tragedy and needed to be dealt with in as dramatic a manner as possible. “About what, Sirius?” he inquired dutifully.




James amused himself with a brief daydream in which he strung up Sirius and Remus by their ankles and pelted them with Cockroach Clusters for being such unbearable twits. “What’s the mangy wolf done now? Eaten all the chocolate in our stash? Finally shagged his boyfriend good and proper?”


“He broke up with Landon.”


“Did he? Ah well, other homosexual fish in the sea.” James glanced at Sirius’s long face and another thought occurred to him. “Is Moony okay? Is that why you’re here? Should we sneak out to Hogsmeade and get the lad some decent liqueur so he can get pissed?”


“Moony wouldn’t get pissed even if he were depressed,” Sirius mumbled. “But anyway, that’s not it.”


“Well, what is it then? Spit it out, man!”


“I would if you would shut your bleeding trap for one minute,” Sirius snapped.


James scowled at that, but stayed silent.


It took Sirius a few tries—he seemed to be choking on the words as they tried to escape from his throat—but he finally blurted out something that vaguely resembled the English language.


“Come again?” James asked blankly.


“Bloody buggering hell,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. “I’ll say it one more time and if you try to make me repeat it again, I swear I’ll—“


“Yes, yes, you’ll decapitate me or string me up by my bollocks or tell Lily that I’m a eunuch. Just say it again, and please do me a favor and pronunciate, you degenerate.”


James could tell that Sirius was struggling not to let the whole scenario fade into a trading a scathing remarks, and, having known Sirius as long and as well as he did, felt it was rather something that Sirius managed to control himself. “All right. Okay. Right then. The thing is…Remus thinks he’s…he’s said he’s in love with me.”


James blinked. He played the words back again in his brain, certain he must have missed something. Before he could stop himself, he asked, rather squeakily, “Come again?”


Sirius let out a squawk of what was most probably rage and dived at James, who just barely managed to throw himself out of harm’s way. Sirius crashed into the desk, letting out a string of curses that would have made James proud in any other situation.


“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” James said hurriedly before Sirius could regain his feet and make another attempt at bodily harm. “I just—you caught me by surprise is all!”


“Caught me by surprise too,” Sirius huffed, using the desk to pull himself up. “Ouch. Bugger. Should’ve just let me hit you, you wanker, that desk bloody well hurt.”


“I’m fragile, you probably would’ve broken my spine,” James said contritely.


The two stood awkwardly for a minute, looking anywhere around the small classroom except at each other. James wished sullenly, not for the first time, that Sirius had gone and found another best friend that he could talk to about these things. How to deal with a gay friend in love with a straight friend was not even remotely in James’s area of expertise, though admittedly, his area of expertise lay far away from the world of romance. Except when it came to Lily. He was bloody good at dealing with Lily. It’d just taken her a few years to catch on.


“I don’t know what to do,” Sirius suddenly said again, sounding rather small and weary.


“Well…there’s really nothing you can do, is there?” James said tentatively. “Love spells are illegal, so it’s not like you can brew up a potion to make him not be in love with you, and, well. He can’t just make it stop. You can’t help who you love. I would know.”


James felt relieved when Sirius cracked a smile. “Could’ve saved yourself years of agony if you hadn’t been so bloody mesmerized by Red.”


“Well, she cottoned on eventually, didn’t she?” James said impatiently. “So anyway, what do you want to do about Remus?”


Sirius bit his lip, lowering his eyes to the floor. “I don’t know,” Sirius said, sounding even wearier. “It’s like you said—there’s really nothing to be done. I just…” His gaze snapped up to meet James’s, a certain bit of wildness in his eyes. “I don’t want him to stop speaking to me again. I hated it when he wasn’t speaking to me, and I don’t want him to go avoiding me again.” He fidgeted with his robes, once again not looking at James. “It’s—it’s bloody awful when he’s not around. We’ve been friends so long, you know? We’re Marauders. I can’t have him avoiding me again.”


“I get that,” James said slowly. “But…won’t you feel weird being around him? I mean, he’s said he’s in love with you. Won’t it be weird? You’ll just be thinking about it all the time, wondering if he’s…you know…looking at you, or thinking about you that way. Wouldn’t it be easier on both of you if you, y’know, took a break from each other?”


“I don’t want a break,” Sirius moaned, shoving a hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. “He’s my friend, James. One of my best friends. I don’t care how weird it will be having him around when he’s in love with me, it’d be weirder not having him around.”


James was quiet for a minute, mulling thoughts over in his mind. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to voice them to Sirius, but he knew he had to. One way or another, this situation had to be dealt with—clearly, letting time run its course was not an option here. “See, that logic doesn’t sit right with me,” James said. “Say it was me in your position, and say you were the one in love with me. I’d hate not being around you, right, but I wouldn’t want either of us in that awkward ‘you love me but I don’t love you and we’re both around each other all the bloody time’ position, so I’d want us both to back off. I’d want to give you space to get over it. Letting you hang around would be like flaunting what you can’t have.”


Sirius’s expression was dark as he growled, “You’re not in my position, so don’t try to put yourself in it. And how dare you insinuate that I’m flaunting myself in front of Remus! You wanker, you just—“


“Shut your bloody trap and listen to reason, Sirius,” James snapped. “If you’re around him all the time, he’ll probably never be able to properly move on, and you’ll always have it hanging over your friendship! I know you hate it, but you two taking a break is for the best.”


“I don’t want a bloody break,” Sirius snarled. “I just want my bloody best friend!”


“You’re being selfish and immature, Sirius,” James said forcefully. “I understand where you’re coming from—I do! But you need to do what’s best for Remus and for yourself. You want Remus to move on, so you need to back off.” James obviously hesitated before tentatively adding, “You do want him to move on, don’t you?”


“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius burst out. “I’m not gay!”


“Hey, I was just—“


But Sirius interrupted him, going off on a tangent about the April Fools’ prank and all the girls he’d shagged and how could James be so bloody stupid as to think Sirius Black was queer? Sirius’s rant slowly built up James’s anger until he exploded.


“Well you’re doing a bloody good job at acting queer! Only worried about Remus running off when he’s only trying to do what’s best for himself. It’s almost like you don’t want him to get over you!”


Sirius stared at James. He shook his head, almost like he was trying to get rid of whatever thoughts were in his head. “You—clearly you’ve missed the whole point,” Sirius growled. “You’re so—so stupid. I’m not gay. And Remus only thinks he’s in love with me. He’ll get over it.”


James opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius cut him off. “No! I don’t want to hear any more. I’m not queer, James Potter, and I’m not going to lose one of my best friends just because he is. So just shut your mouth.”


And he turned and stalked out of the classroom, leaving James feeling more confused and at a loss than ever before.




Hm, that was rather short. I could’ve made this chapter longer, but 1) that would’ve taken more time, and 2) the extra content would have been out of place. This chapter also rather sucks, probably because I wrote it at 3 AM, but to be completely honest, I’ve never really gone for quality with this particular fic. This story is about me having fun with the Marauders, and I’m so pleased that so many of you seem to be having as much fun as I am! I’ll try my best to get chapter 17 up faster than this one. Please be patient with me—things have been crazy lately, but I have no intention of abandoning this fic!

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else


Aug. 25th, 2008 05:25 am (UTC)
I have had the WORST possible week and I've been away from the interwebs and when I finally got on tonight I thought, I want to read some R/S, damn it, and then I got the alert that you'd posted another chapter. I was very very excited. It is brill, really, not sucky at all. Glad to see James not only getting some action, but getting some testicles and standing up to Sirius. Look forward to the next installment!! *settles down to re-read the rest of the story*
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
I'm sorry about the awful week, honey :( I'm glad that my update managed to lift your spirits! Thanks for the reassurances that it doesn't suck - the chapter just kind of poured out while I was half asleep, so I was hesitant about it, haha.

Thanks so much for reviewing! Enjoy your re-read!
Aug. 25th, 2008 05:55 am (UTC)
WOW it's been ages... Lovely to see you here!
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
Thanks, bb :D
Aug. 25th, 2008 07:13 am (UTC)
Okay, so I've just stayed up way too late, reading this whole thing. I didn't mean to, but you sucked me in with all the fun, fast dialogue. Totally well done. Your characterizations are just as good; I especially love your James.

And hee! to Peter feeling like he must compensate for the Marauders' lack of pranks. Oh, Peter. ;)
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:40 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! Yay, it always makes me fiendishly happy to hear I put off someone's bedtime =P

Ah, Peter. Poor bloke, so many people just flat out hate him and don't give him the chance to say more than a few lines in a fic. I get the hate - really, I do! - but young Peter can't have been all bad, seeing as he was a Marauder ;)

Thanks for reviewing!
Aug. 25th, 2008 07:28 am (UTC)

I love this fic so much even if it makes me sad that Sirius is such a dunderhead.

I'm holding my breath until the next chapter...
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
Sirius is a dunderhead. But he is an adorable dunderhead. *pets Sirius fondly*

Hold your breath? Oh dear, don't do that. I fear I might be the death of you then D: Hahaha, I'll try my best to get the next chapter out ASAP so you can start breathing again!
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:43 am (UTC)

I'm anxious to get to more R/S interaction too ;)

Thanks for the comment!
Aug. 25th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
Sirius is so utterly daft in this fic, haha.

But yay for an update! Can't wait for the next part!
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
He is, isn't he? Poor boy, can't see what's right in front of his nose ;)

Thanks for the comment! I'll try to get chapter 17 churned out ASAP!
Aug. 25th, 2008 08:17 pm (UTC)
This fic is wonderful! And this chapter is great, it doesn't suck at all.
Can't wait for the next one :)
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, bb :D Hopefully chapter 17 will be posted up a lot faster than this one was...
Aug. 25th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
Yay! I'm so glad you updated. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Aug. 26th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
Me too ;) Thanks for reviewing, and I'll try to get chapter 17 written and posted ASAP!
Aug. 26th, 2008 04:29 am (UTC)
I just read this entire story from the beginning, and I have to say that it is utterly brilliant. I love it. Landon was great, I felt so sorry for him, and it's not often I actually like seeing one of the puppies with someone else. I like the way you've shown James and Peter growing into their own (Peter with the prank and James with the standing up to Sirius). Sirius in denial is the best thing ever! HAHA! I am so looking forward to the next chapter!!
Aug. 27th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
Hee, thank you so much! I'm really kind of surprised by the response to Landon - I figured everyone would hate him on principle. I was aiming to have people like him, though, so I'm glad that it worked! And thanks for what you said about James and Peter - I was trying really hard to not ignore them the way a lot of authors seem to do in R/S fics, haha. Thanks for your review!
Aug. 26th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
I do love your non-homophobic James. There's far too much of that in the fandom, and it's just a relief. Thank you, and I'm really looking forward to the next chapter <3
Aug. 27th, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, homophobic James always makes me feel a bit nauseous. I just can't really see him being that way. Glad you share my sentiments ;) Thanks for reading!
Aug. 27th, 2008 03:36 am (UTC)
AHHHHH!!!! I am SO excited to see that you updated!!!!!! I can't wait for the next one!

And oh James, he's right on the mark. Sirius better hurry up and figure it out!
Aug. 27th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Haha, thank you! I'll try to get chapter 17 up soon! Thanks for reading :)
Oct. 20th, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
Oh lord, I love your James. I think he is my favorite out of every fanfic I have ever read. He's so funny and just perfect. He's exactly as he should be.
Oct. 20th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you so much! I've always adored James and just really wanted to have fun with him in this fic, so it really makes me happy to know that you like him so much! Poor James often gets kicked out of the picture in R/S fics (much like Peter in, er, basically every Marauder fic) so I really wanted to work to give him good scene time - FEEL THE JAMES LOVE! ;)

Thanks so much for reading!