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Wooo I'm finally getting around to posting this! Hahaha. Sorry it took me so long, but better late than never, right? 

I'm going to try to get the next few chapters out as quickly as possible (there shouldn't be too many more, assuming I manage to keep myself on track) because I'm starting to grow bored with this fic. I have a lot of other fic ideas, but I don't want to get started on them until this is finished, especially since it's already taken me a year and a half to get to this point. And this will be finished. 

Now, enjoy chapter 13!

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.



“So, Remus Lupin,” said Landon Mathers over his tankard of butterbeer, “do you or do you not like Licorice Wands?”


Remus took a sip from his own tankard, brow furrowed as though in deep thought. “If there’s no other sweets around, it’ll do,” he answered, “but honestly, the only sweet worth indulging in is chocolate.”


“I’m rather partial to Peppermint Toads, myself,” Landon replied with a grin. “But yes, chocolate of nearly every kind is always worth an indulgence.”


The date—though Remus nearly always winced at the thought of this word as it just seemed so completely foreign to him—had started off a bit awkwardly, as most dates are prone to do. They’d exchanged a few pleasantries, talked about classes for a bit, then decided to nip into The Three Broomsticks for butterbeer, always a good place for a chat. And chat was what they did until the awkwardness had completely dissolved and they began to banter like they’d known each other for years. If one topic was exhausted and they hadn’t stumbled onto another one, they asked questions—sometimes general, sometimes completely inane, but each one promising to turn into a lengthy discussion or at least a few exchanged quips accompanied with smiles. Remus was surprised to find he was very much enjoying himself as he ordered his fourth butterbeer.


Landon was describing a plant he had come across while he and his family had been vacationing in South America, using emphatic hand gestures to reenact how violent it had been. Remus’s eyes fixated on Landon’s hands and he began somewhat losing the string of Landon’s speech, which he deeply regretted when he suddenly burst out with, “You have beautiful hands.”


Oh God, Remus thought. Why am I so socially inept?


“Sorry,” he muttered, face flushing in embarrassment. “I just—oh God. I’m sorry. I—er—“


“No, no it’s okay,” Landon said, cutting off Remus’s flustering. “Actually, I, well, I find that rather sweet. Endearing, even.” Remus brought his gaze up to meet Landon’s, where it stayed until Landon gave a little huff of laughter and looked down into his tankard. “Now I’m sorry. I sound like—like—“ he laughed a bit harder “—like a poofter.”


Remus laughed with him. “Terrible pair we make. Two poofters.”




Their hysterics eventually wound down until they were both comfortably silent, draining their tankards of butterbeer. Landon dumped some coins onto the table and when Remus tried to do the same, Landon stopped his hand with a look that easily translated to Don’t insult me. A true gentleman, Remus thought wryly.


“Shall we?” Landon asked, gesturing towards the door.


Somewhere between their table and the door, Remus’s hand wound up in Landon’s, and he found he rather liked it there.




After a trip to Zonko’s in which Remus replenished some of the Marauders’ diminishing supplies of havoc-wreaking tools and a stop in at Honeydukes in which Landon bought enough chocolate for Remus to last him until graduation, the pair found themselves in Scrivenshaft’s. Remus had run out of stationary on which to write home on; he supposed he could just use parchment, but he never had before and it would just be odd. He also needed to replace his current quill, the nub having been worn away beyond repair.


Remus was examining the quills in the knut bin when he felt Landon come up behind him. “Don’t in any way feel that you are required to answer this for any reason,” Landon said, “but why on earth did your April Fools’ prank involve snogging Sirius Black?”


Oh, dear.


Well, this would be, at the very least, interesting.


“Well, er, actually, it had to do with my, um, coming out of the closet, so to speak. Or rather, my reluctance to do so.”


“So, what, Sirius was just…I don’t know, helping you along?”


“No, no. Although in his own warped brain, he did believe he was helping me. Now that I think back on it, I still don’t think a single one of his arguments was sound, but at the time I couldn’t think how else to deter him.” Remus chanced a glance at Landon—he was looking thoroughly puzzled. “You see, I didn’t want anyone to know about…that is, I was reluctant to…I was finding it difficult to—“


“Tell people you’re gay?”


“Well, yes.” Remus fidgeted uncomfortably. “I’ve never liked—I mean, I didn’t like the thought of being so different. It was hard for me even to admit it to myself. And then one day, someone found out…although to be fair, I was a bit of an idiot. She didn’t so much ‘find out’ as I, er, told her. But anyway, that someone who was right at the top of the list of People I Don’t Want Knowing I’m Gay.” Remus fixed Landon with a grim look. “I suppose you know Marly Jenkins?”


“Tarty Marly?” Landon said. “Her? Good God, she would be someone worthy of being at the top of that list.”


“Indeed,” Remus sighed. “I went straight to Sirius once she was gone and told him the whole pathetic story, and once he affirmed my fears that the whole of Ravenclaw house would know by morning, he came up with the prank. Oh, I suppose it’s worth mentioning that Marly thought Sirius was my boyfriend,” Remus added in what he hoped was a casual manner.


Sirius? Marly thought Sirius Black was gay?” Landon let out an impressive whistle. “Off her nut, that one. Everyone knows the way he is with girls.”


“Exactly. Which is what fueled Sirius to come up with the prank that he did—let people think Sirius Black is gay, and then pull the rug out from under them. He also, ah, seemed to think that his ‘performance’ would make people less, how would you put it, completely disgusted with me.” Remus shrugged. “Sirius Black logic. If you think about it long enough, your IQ will actually start lowering. Sometimes, it’s best to just go with it.”


“So basically what you’re saying is that the whole thing was entirely Sirius’s idea?”


“Yes, yes it is.”


“Well, that is certainly strange. You ever think during the charade that maybe Black’s not as straight as he paints himself?”


“Definitely not,” Remus said firmly. “Sirius is just a loyal and determined, if slightly demented, friend. He honestly thinks that what he did will help improve, well, not only my image, but the image of all homosexuals.” The look on Landon’s face made Remus chuckle. “Like I said, best not to dwell on Sirius Black logic.”


“Uh-huh,” Landon said vaguely. “Well, thanks for telling me. It’s been driving me mad, wondering.” Landon threw Remus a sheepish look when he saw Remus’s perplexed expression. “Without knowing all the back story, it was, er, hard not to be…protective.”


“Protective?” Remus blankly replied.


“You two really seemed like you’d been dating,” Landon said, a bit defensively. “I thought…I thought maybe you really had been dating, and Sirius was just using April Fools’ as a cover for breaking up with you.”


Remus stared at Landon.


Landon pulled nervously at the fabric of his shirt. “It’s plausible,” he muttered.


“You…you thought Sirius and I were secretly dating,” Remus deadpanned.


“Er, yes. But—“


“And you were asking me for the back story because you felt…protective.”


“Um.” Landon shifted uncomfortably. “Yes?”


Landon seemed to shrink under Remus’s stare.


“Well,” he tried, “well, I thought if he had, you know, made you keep…you two…secret, and then broke up with you just in time for April Fools’, well it just, it seemed dodgy to me, and I was just…just worried that…he’d hurt you.” Landon peeked up at Remus through his eyelashes.


“Landon Mathers,” Remus said; Landon shrank a bit more, “you are quite possibly the most ridiculous person I have ever met, and I like you rather a lot for it.”


A tentative smile broke out on Landon’s face. “You mean it? I mean, I guess I should feel slightly insulted, but oddly enough, I don’t. Do you mean it?”


Remus smiled back. “I mean it.”




Remus huffed and puffed his way up to the dormitory; his bags hadn’t seemed quite so heavy with Landon carrying half of them, and Landon had left him at the Gryffindor portrait whole after they said their—lengthy—goodbyes. He reached the Seventh Year Boys’ dormitory and clawed at the doorknob until finally the door gave way and he was able to stumble in. A quick glance showed Remus that no one else was in the dorm and he heaved a sigh of relief. Later, he would be bombarded with questions, of course, but later was much better than right now.


Remus was walking over to his bed when a voice said, “James, is that you? What did you do to my toothbrush, you wan—oh, hullo, Remus.” It was Sirius, sticking his head around the doorframe of the bathroom.


“Hello, Sirius,” Remus replied, throwing his bags down next to his bed.


The room was filled with the deafening sound of silence.


“I, uh,” Remus said, “got you some more dungbombs.” He sat on his bed, cast his gaze around the room, fiddled with the collar of his shirt. Sirius said nothing. “I know how you like your dungbombs.”


“Oh, yes,” Sirius finally said. “I do like my dungbombs. Thank you.”


“No problem,” said Remus.


It was rather pathetic, really, that every conversation between Remus and Sirius was now peppered with these long, awkward silences. Remus idly thought that next time he should arm himself with a book to fill the void.


“Did, uh, did Landon pay for them?”


“No. I paid for all the Zonko’s stuff myself.”


“So did he pay for the rest of it?”


“Er,” said Remus. “No.”


“Did he pay for anything?” Sirius’s voice was becoming a bit shrilly. It made Remus’s toes curl.


What the bloody hell is his problem? Remus thought.


“What the bloody hell is your problem?” Remus said.


“Nothing!” Sirius’s fists clenched and unclenched as he stared at some point just over Remus’s left shoulder. “Just—he—you—he was the one that asked you on the date, so it’s only right that he pays!”


“He paid for our butterbeers and my chocolate!” Remus is surprised to find that both he and Sirius are yelling. “I paid for the other stuff because I wanted to!”


“Well, you shouldn’t have!” Sirius roars. “He asked you! And you don’t have enough money to be buying me dungbombs!”


Well I wanted to!” Remus can’t stand this; he doesn’t understand this argument, he doesn’t know why they’re yelling over something so ridiculous, and he certainly doesn’t know why he is fighting back angry tears. “So just shove off!


“Maybe I will,” Sirius violently replies.






Sirius strides angrily across the room—giving Remus a bone-melting glare as he passes him—and storms out the door, slamming it shut behind him.


Remus, breathing heavily, fishes the dungbombs out of the Zonko’s bag and tosses them onto Sirius’s bed. He takes the next few minutes to carefully put away his other purchases, then flings himself onto his bed and presses the heels of his hands to his eyes.


He doesn’t understand Sirius at all.




Sirius’s anger immediately abates once he storms through the common room, and now he just feels like a giant prat.


He hates how he gets so irrational, how his anger can just creep up on him and consume him until everything he says and does is irrational. He hates how his anger is always so close to the surface these days, and he hates how it had to finally come to a head over something so stupid.


Remus is probably laying on his bed thinking what a pillock I am, Sirius thinks morosely as he walks idly down the corridor. Remus is right. I am a pillock.


But it’s Remus’s fault anyway.


Sirius has been alternately placing the blame on Remus and himself since Remus first started avoiding him. Placing the blame on just one of them always leads Sirius into thinking in circles, but he feels comforted that at least he’s right in only placing it on himself or Remus. He could blame Snape or his family or That One Weedy Kid Who Can’t Seem To Find A Tissue, A Friend, Or His Own Dignity, but this is one situation that he cannot bring himself to ignore in such a way. The problem with placing the blame on himself or Remus is that he finds himself thinking something along the lines of: It’s Remus’s fault for fancying me in the first place, but it’s my fault he started fancying me because of that prank, but it’s Remus’s fault that we needed to do the prank because he told Marly, but it’s my fault for insisting we do the prank


In the end, Sirius just has a very large headache and a whole lot of blame heaped on himself. It was really only a matter of time before he lashed out at Remus, but he did wish it had at least been about something reasonable.


It had just been too much, though. Remus had been avoiding him—occasionally outright ignoring him—for five days now. Ever since the Marauders had become friends in First Year, they hadn’t gone more than three days without speaking, and that was only over holidays and that was only when one of their owls had become ill or injured, although there was that one memorable time when James had stolen his father’s Floo powder to get in touch with his friends and had somehow wound up with his head in the fireplace of a decrepit building that was home to Muggles that didn’t actually have homes. Sirius supposed that their constant communication might seem odd to others, but it was just that they always had so much to talk about—staying out of touch for longer than three days was simply out of the question, one of them (probably, Sirius admitted, himself) would go mad.


And now it had been five days since he’d really spoken to Remus, and Remus had just come strolling in and said, “Oh, I bought you your favorite prank item as though I haven’t been ignoring you for an obscene amount of time.”


Sirius felt he was quite within his rights to get a little testy over that.


He acknowledged that he’d done far more than “get a little testy” though, and he briefly considered drowning himself in the lake. Why oh why was he such a giant prat sometimes?


There was nothing for it. He’d have to talk to Remus, make this whole stupid avoiding affair a peaceful, stupid avoiding affair. He already couldn’t stand the silence; an angry silence would be unbearable.


As he trudged back to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius wished fervently that Remus hadn’t already set a trap for Sirius using the dungbombs.

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show

(Haha, all the links are all different colors! Oops. It must be because I kept changing the layout of this journal. I'd fix it, buuuut...I am lazy.)


Feb. 3rd, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
Please please please don't leave this unfinished.
I lovelovelove it.
Feb. 3rd, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)

Also, I concur.
Feb. 4th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)
Oh, this fic will be finished! Trust me, I would never torture you that way =P

Glad you like it! Thanks for reading!
Feb. 3rd, 2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
This fic makes me all warm and happy. . .

(and now I have urges to ship Remus/Landon despite the fact that I've been waiting for the R/S! Ahh. He's very nice, though, and I think you should give him a new boyfriend once it's over :D)
Feb. 4th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC)
Moo ha ha ha. I was aiming to make Landon a well-liked character, and I'm glad to hear I succeeded! Trust me though, while writing his character, I had urges to make him abusive or ugly or a chocolate-hater - anything to make him unworthy of Remus because Sirius is the only one that is worthy of him. But for the sake of the story, Landon must be likeable. And on that cryptic note, I shall say thanks for reading and reviewing! :D
Feb. 5th, 2008 12:36 am (UTC)
Now you have me more hooked than I was before. Darn you.

Feb. 3rd, 2008 08:49 pm (UTC)
aw yay an update!!! i was actually wondering what took you so long T_T
landon seems like a nice guy though but R/S is just the way it is XDD plz write more soooon!!!
Feb. 4th, 2008 05:45 am (UTC)
Haha, yeah, it does seem that updates are becoming fewer and farther between. Sorry about that, but life's been kind of crazy lately. While I can't really promise faster updates, I can promise that this fic will be finished. I've put too much time and work into it to leave it unfinished, and I could never be that cruel to you :)

It seems Landon is serving his purpose. *smiles mischievously*

Thanks for the review!
Feb. 4th, 2008 03:21 am (UTC)
I missed this series! It's great to see a new chapter up. :D For an OC, Landon is really rather likeable...quite the gentleman. ;) I'm normally not too fond of OCs, but I like yours - anyone who treats Remus well is sure to end up in my good books.

Looking forward to more!
Feb. 4th, 2008 05:47 am (UTC)
I have to agree with you - I am definitely not an OC lover and they have, on more than one occasion, made me stop reading a fic. I was really nervous about writing an OC because I know that they're really hit-or-miss in fandom, but for this fic to work, I had to do it. I'm really relieved that people seem to be taking to him, as was my aim =P

Thanks for the comments!
Feb. 4th, 2008 11:19 am (UTC)
I promised myself I wouldn´t read WIP fics, but I did read yours because the summary made me :D And it is worth it, so I hope you will finish it soon :)
I quite like Landon. I usually don´t like OMCs getting into my OTP, but Landon is nice bloke :)
Feb. 4th, 2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
Yay! More!

I feel bad for Sirius, Landon is so... perfect. The prat.
Feb. 5th, 2008 04:30 am (UTC)
Oooo I hadn't gotten around to this and I just sat down and read every chapter and I LOVE it. I can't wait for more!
Feb. 5th, 2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you don't shy away from having Remus like Landon (even if he likes Sirius more). In the real world, people like other people. :)

You definitely need to post more soon so I can find out what happens!
Feb. 11th, 2008 11:43 pm (UTC)
of course you will finish it!!
i just started reading this, and LOVES IT :D
please do continue, i'm torn between my OTP of S/R, and my adoration at how CUTE Landon is with Remus...