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I have come to the conclusion that all fanfic writers are liars.

Not intentional liars. No, it's like some horrible joke the universe likes to play to make all fanfic writers liars. We say we're going to have something done by a certain date, and then Real Life has to pop up and go, "HAHA, I'm still here, you cretin! YOU ARE MY BITCH," and then proceed to mess up all fanfic-related plans.

But HUZZAH, it's here, it's done, it's not as good as the original, but I tried! I'm still rather pleased with it (oh how I adore flustered!Remus), so I hope you will be too.

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.



Remus stared out at the lake, following the large, dark spot that said the giant squid was hovering just beneath the surface. He thought back to that one day in Fifth Year when Lily had shouted to the entire class that she’d rather date the giant squid than ever go to Hogsmeade with James Potter. And now, just two years later, Lily and James have had their first date and have a second one slotted for that evening. Remus contemplated how quickly minds could be changed, how easy it was for a person to look past what they’d been seeing for years and see something different.


But those thoughts were leading Remus back to the boy sitting next to him, and those thoughts, he had recently found, were like mental quicksand.


“Are you going to talk anytime soon, or are we just going to sit here until my nads shrivel up and die? It’s bloody cold out here.”


So much for not thinking about Sirius. Remus heaved a sigh, his eyes flicking over to Sirius’s scowling face before focusing back on the lake. “I’m sorry, I was just…trying to gather my thoughts.” Of course, the thoughts I’ve been gathering are not the ones that will help me at all in this conversation. Bugger.


Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him. “Are you all right? You’ve been more squirmy than usual lately. It’s rather detrimental to my ego, you know.”


“I am not squirmy!”


“No, you really are. See? Look, there goes your face, all squirmy, like you’ve just eaten a Cockroach Cluster.”


“Just…just shut up, Sirius,” Remus sighed, turning his face away to concentrate on the lake once more.


Sirius was silent for a moment, a moment in which Remus became supremely concerned about Sirius as the boy had never before quieted on demand. The silence broke with an irritated, “What’s up with you?”


“I…oh, bugger.”


Silence reigned again.


“Moony?” Bugger. Bugger and disaster. “What’s wrong?”


I am having completely inappropriate feelings about you. Sometimes I think about you when I touch myself at night. I want to shag you. I want you to shag me.


Of course, Remus couldn’t say any of these things out loud. Which begged the question: What could he say?


“I don’t know, exactly,” Remus said carefully.


“And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?”


Remus winced. He hadn’t a clue what he was doing or where this conversation was going, but he did know that he was mucking it up quite fantastically. Best to just get on with it. “This…this prank, it needs to end. Now.”


Sirius let out a groan. “Not this again. Moony, come on, everything’s fine, and we’ve only got three days left anyway, so—“


“No. It’s over, Sirius. I’m not going through with this—this charade any longer.”


Sirius gave him a look of such utter perplexity that almost made Remus wince again. “What crawled up your arsehole and died?”


And now came the part of the conversation that could really only end in tragedy.


There was nothing for it. No turning back now. Remus had to tell Sirius. He had to.


“Sirius, I—“ He floundered a bit, trying to find the words that had been on the tip of his tongue for the past few days but had never made it past his lips. Oh, damn it all to bloody, bloody hell. “I fancy you. Rather a lot.”


Something in the back of Remus’s mind screamed, Go drown yourself in the lake, you bloody ponce! Now!


But Remus had always been the kind of person that needed to know how a story ended.




…adding a drop of doxie venom daily and keeping it at room temperature will allow the potion to remain potent for a maximum of 72 days…


Peter picked up his quill and scrawled in the margin of his parchment: doxie venom—drop a day. 3 days.


Just three days. Three days until he executed Operation Frame James With A Rather Nasty Prank To Get Rid Of Lily “Yoko Ono” Evans (he had tried once to abbreviate it, but felt that it was a bit too much trouble to call it Operation FJWARNPTGROLYOE, and he couldn’t call it by any other name because he had long ago learned that he wasn’t as creative as James or Sirius in that department and relied on descriptive titles to remember their pranks).


A book thudded down on the table in front of Peter.


“Hello, Peter. Already getting started on our project?”


I should have my head examined. It was a severe lapse in judgment that made me agree to work with her. “Um, just a personal thing. I’m finished with it though, so, um, let’s get cracking on the Herbology assignment.”


For three hours, the pair worked steadily…but not as steadily as Peter would have predicted. Lily, it appeared, was easily amused—she took great pleasure in pointing out odd plants to Peter and wheedling absurd facts about the plants out of him.


As Lily packed her things up, she smiled at Peter. “This was a lot of fun. I’m sorry I’ve got to run—I promised McGonagall I’d give her my report tonight.”


“Yeah…yeah, I had fun too,” Peter replied, and was surprised to find he actually meant it.


“I think one more of these sessions should be enough to wrap up the project, don’t you?” She stood up, slinging her rucksack onto her shoulder. “We made great progress tonight. All thanks to you, of course.” Lily gave a self-deprecating grin.


Peter glanced at their note sheets, complete with tables and diagrams, and nodded. “We did, didn’t we? How about we meet same time tomorrow? Get it out of the way and all.”


“Sounds great. I’ll see you tomorrow then, Peter.” And with a little wave, Lily was gone.


Peter slid their note sheets into his copy of One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi. As he stuffed his books into his rucksack, he thought idly, She’s not so bad, once you get to know her






Oh god, oh god, someone kill me, Remus thought a bit hysterically. Just one little Avada Kedavra, that’s all I’m asking for.


“How long?”


Hell, it doesn’t even have to be Avada Kedavra, just drop a rock on my head or something, I don’t really—“What?”


“How long?” Sirius repeated, sounding a bit hoarse.


“How long what?” Remus asked stupidly.


“Bloody—how long, you prat! How long have you fancied me?”


“Oh. Um. I’m—I’m not sure, really. Not before this prank started though, I swear.” Remus felt himself getting hysterical again. “Actually, do you know, I think—I think maybe this, this fancying thing isn’t really, you know, fancying. I suspect hormones are behind it because, well, I didn’t—I never—I didn’t fancy you until I started getting regular snogs from you, so you see, that’s why we’ve got to stop the prank because then I’ll stop fancying you and everything can go back to normal.”


For Merlin’s sake and a bucket of shrivelfigs, Remus thought in exasperation, can I ever just not be a complete twit?


“Well, uh. Whatever you think is best.” Remus almost winced with how utterly detached Sirius’s voice was. He’s disgusted. He’d disgusted and he hates me. Bugger.


The two sat in silence, Sirius staring out over the lake and Remus waging an internal war with himself. Sirius cleared his throat after an increasingly uncomfortable minute; Remus jumped.


But whatever it was Sirius had been about to say appeared to have stuck in his throat. He kept coughing and taking deep breaths; he was making Remus very panicky with all his attempts at speech.


“Do you hate me?” Remus blurted out after Sirius cleared his throat for the seventh time.


“What? No, of course not, you stupid twat.” Remus felt the air go back into his lungs. “It’s just…I’m surprised. And a little confused.”


“Oh,” said Remus.


“But no big deal, right?” Sirius said in an obvious effort to look on the bright side of things. “Like you said, it’s just hormones. So you just…just need to go find someone to use all that snogging energy on that, you know. Is like you. Er.”


“Yeah,” said Remus. “Right.”


“Look—bugger, I’m not handling this very well, am I?” Remus wanted to say no, but decided to be prudent and stay silent. “I don’t hate you, and I’m not grossed out or anything. So we’ll just, we’ll stop the prank, say, ‘Happy early April Fool’s’ to everyone, and then everything will go back to normal. Like you said.”




Silence once again fell over the pair. Remus pretended to be interested in the water beetle that was now skating over the lake.


“It’s really unexpected,” Sirius suddenly said; Remus jumped again. “I mean, I never thought—I figured, we’re mates, right? It’s just—you—it didn’t seem like a possibility. Am I a complete prat for thinking like that?”


“No, no you’re not,” Remus answered. “Well, no, all right, we’re both prats.”


“Yeah. S’pose we are.”


Remus was beginning to hate silence. He wondered vaguely if it was time for dinner.


“So that’s it,” Sirius stated. Remus wished he would give some sort of warning before speaking. “We should, we should head in for dinner now. Announce our prank and all. I’m bloody starved anyway.”


“Yeah, er, to the Great Hall then, shall we?” Remus said, leaping to his feet.


“We shall,” Sirius answered with a grin. There seemed to be a certain forced quality to it that did not escape Remus’s notice.


As the two trekked back to the castle, Remus wondered how long it would take for things to truly get back to normal between him and Sirius, because he didn’t know how many more of those forced smiles he would be able to bear.

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered

I'm curious: what are your thoughts on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (the movie)? Who else squee-d like a moron when they saw the door-lean-of-LUST? Because the look on Lupin's face was more like, "Hi, Harry, I'm the mistress of this house and I bugger your godfather every night," than, "Hi, Harry, I'm just your godfather's friend, no lustiness in this pose whatsoever."


Jul. 16th, 2007 03:17 am (UTC)
Yay for updates! Brilliant as always and can't wait for more!

And I squeee'd inside because my husband already things I'm a complete twat for the subdued level of fangirlism that I demonstrate. There was no way I was squeeing out loud with him there beside me at what (to him) would have looked like nothing more than a hug from Sirius to Harry, and that would have bordered on a little pervy. That was definitely a Door Lean of Lust, if not even a Door Lean of Covert and Inappropriate Arse Grabbing.
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:04 pm (UTC)
That was definitely a Door Lean of Lust, if not even a Door Lean of Covert and Inappropriate Arse Grabbing.

Oh, there was totally Covert and Not Completely Inappropriate Arse Grabbing.

Thanks for reading!
Jul. 16th, 2007 05:18 am (UTC)
::flips right out:: UPDATES! HUZZAH! But it's short! ::cries:: And what's going to happen at dinner? Will Sirius declare that he really DOES fancy Remus as well? Cuz some of what he said... Anyway, you must update again soon, because otherwise we shall all wither away from pining for you and your lovely work.

Oh, the movie. It kind of hurt the hole where once my soul was (my soul has been gone for years). But the MOMENTS! Oh, my. With the cuddling at the table, and the appropriately titled Door-Lean-of-Lust-and-Possible-Arse-Groping... I had my hands over my mouth quite often during that movie, trying to smother either laughter or squeeing. I got a couple funny looks - some from the people I was with, who knew exactly what I was thinking, and were unsure why I was suffocating myself.

Anyone else have to smother laughter at the 'Who's Cedric? Your BOYFRIEND?' bit? I laugh when I read it in the book, but then it's just me alone in my room, cackling, not me in a theatre full of people who will give me dirty looks, the silly people. It's just that, movie-wise, Harry and Cedric were SOOO shagging in GoF. I don't think they're canon at all, but in the movie...
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:12 pm (UTC)
*cries* I tried to make it longer, I swear! It was just getting a bit too painful to try to lengthen the "coming out" bit (I can only make Remus suffer so much), and I was not feeling the least bit of inspiration in trying to write Peter. I've been planning out the next chapter, and assuming that I find the time to write all that I want to write and still have the next chapter out in a decent amount of time, chapter 11 should be quite long :)

Oh yes, the MOMENTS! My heart was kind of seizuring when Remus said that thing about the first war screwing up a lot of things, and then the camera panned over to Sirius and he looked all sad and heartbroken and I was just like OH MY POOR PUPPIES, WHAT DID THAT EVIL DARK LORD DO TO YOU???

Oh god, it was really that last scene that killed GoF for me. I mean, okay, the half-hour long dragon duel was incredibly ridiculous and I was WTF-ing throughout that entire scene, but at then end when Harry was quite literally throwing himself on Cedric, who, NEWSFLASH, HARRY, HE'S DEAD, um, yeah, that was...yeah. But movie!Harry and movie!Cedric were totally shagging, and Harry's death-grope was not the only evidence of that.
Jul. 17th, 2007 04:54 am (UTC)
You know the prefect's bathroom on the fifth floor? ::waggles eyebrows suggestively::

I understand completely. It can be very hard to lengthen fics when they just won't cooperate. ::scowls at own fics:: It is hard to make Remus suffer... but he does it so nicely, and Sirius is so cute when he's all 'must help him be happy!' (Yes, I am evil. :D)
Jul. 16th, 2007 10:24 am (UTC)
Hi! I was recced here from... actually, I have no idea where I was recced you. But be proud! You were recced! \o/

Anyway, I really like this fic so far. I'm just getting back into HP fandom, and it's nice to see some new(er) authors along with catching up with my old favorites.
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:14 pm (UTC)
I have been recced? FOR SERIOUSLY??? *squees*

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
Jul. 16th, 2007 11:42 am (UTC)
A lovely chapter, my dear! I want more (=

I reviewed OotP here. That door lean was most definitely a highlight of the movie for me!
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
Love your review of OotP - I was rather disturbed by ghetto!Dudley too, and I loved Fred and George in this movie! And I have to agree with you on all other points, except I thought they made "Wizengamot" sound very odd. It was like they added in an extra two syllables somehow o.O

Hehe, thanks for reading!
Jul. 16th, 2007 01:13 pm (UTC)
This was a great installment -- I really liked the exchange between peter and Lily, too.

Who else squee-d like a moron when they saw the door-lean-of-LUST?

And did you see the just-rolled-out-of-bed-sex-hair? I went to the movie with one of my best friends, who is also very fangirly (other ships, but she understands my obsession). I punched her in the arm and squealed both when we first saw the scene, and again when it was repeated in Snape's head. I'm disappointed that the memory scene was too short, and I'm hoping there'll be more Marauder exposition in the HBP movie to match Lupin's chat with Harry, though I imagine it will again get very limited treatment at best. At least we have fanfic to fill in the blanks!
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:22 pm (UTC)
THE SEX HAIR, YES. Oh, subtext, how I love thee. And I also loved how the Door Lean of LUST scene kept getting replayed :D

I'm banking on The Memory scene being extended for the DVD, and if it's not...I think the only reasonable solution is to start a riot.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Jul. 16th, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC)
And...I accidently deleted my comment. XP

OotP totally pulled me back to R/S. (I say that like it's a bad thing.) I just haven't been in it for awhile, and I forgot how PERFECT they were for eachother. Unfortunately, that means I also forgot how much I LIKED THIS FIC. Thank you.

I was squee-ing inside. My best friend (who I went with) doesn't understand slash, but I was having a party in my head for that scene. (And the one where Remus says something like "Voldemort takes away everything you hold dear" and the camera pans over to Sirius. I was like, "AWWwww".)

Door Lean of Lust, indeed. That might be my new favorite phrase.
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
Haha, no worries. And yay for finding your way back to this fic! We missed you :)

And oh, that particular scene with the puppies being all reminiscent made me a bit teary-eyed. I was like, "MY POOR PUPPIES, WHAT DID THAT EVIL DARK LORD DO TO YOU?"

Ahaha, I thought it was a rather apt name myself ;)
Jul. 16th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
Eee! I was so happy when I saw this just sitting on the rxs comm, waiting to be read. It was lovely. Just want/need much more now. I too like to know how a story ends.

On OOTp, I was IN LOVE with the door bit, but hated the rest of it. I think I was just being a canon-bitch. Also, all the little subtext-y bits weren't there, apart from the door bit. Oh well, I guess I just need to read/write more fanfic.
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
Chapter 11 is coming along quite nicely, which is very good as the things I have planned for this chapter mean that it could end up being quite long. Hopefully I can have it out for you and everyone else in a more timely manner than this chapter :/

I thought it was rather good compared to the rest of the HP movies, but there was still a lot in it I was disappointed with - and there was a lot they left out that I really feel like they needed to have in. All in all, though, I think they did a pretty good job at making the longest book of the series into a 2 hour long film (but would an extra half hour have hurt?). And yes, we'll always have fandom :D
Jul. 16th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
OMG, love this and I can't wait for the next installment.

And I LOVE the Door-Lean-Of-Lust. OMG, I so squee'd and nudged my GF in the arm who just sort of chuckled at me. She understands but does not share in my obsession. There were a couple of squee-worthy moments but not nearly enough of them. And I know we all hate Tonks, but was anyone else sad that she didn't get more screen time, because aside from the fact that her presence will eventually muck up our shipping, I really like her as a character, and must say the actress they picked to play her wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but she is hott. Anyway, rambling. But yes, was very happy about the Door-Lean. And there was much squeeing.
Jul. 16th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! ♥

Ahaha, my friend is the same way, and when I squee-d, she just poked me really hard in the shoulder. Ah well.

Actually, bookwise, I LOVED OotP Tonks...I just hated her in HBP because she got all mopey and pathetic and she tried to turn Remus straight. I barely even recognized HBP Tonks because she was such a complete foil to OotP Tonks. It really irritated me. But yes, I wish we could have seen more of Tonks in the movie.
Jul. 17th, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
Ah, I love this. Boys are so silly!

Oh, yes! I squee-d on the inside when I saw that!! It was awesome.
Jul. 18th, 2007 06:20 pm (UTC)
Indeed they are ;)

Subtext is my crack. OotP made me so hiiiiiigh (hahaha). It was BRILLIANT!
Jul. 17th, 2007 02:08 pm (UTC)
[i]Finally[/i], Remus. <3 well, not the exact reaction I was hoping for but well done, nonetheless.
Jul. 18th, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC)
I don't think anyone wanted that reaction (I didn't want that reaction!) but the puppies are rather dim. They'll get it right eventually ;)

Thanks for reviewing!
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:06 am (UTC)
Yess! Another chapter! You do Remus and Sirius' verbal and emotional agony very well.

Am trying to recall a precise visual memory of the Door Lean of Lust and failing. Anyone know where I can find a movie still of it?
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
Eeeee thank you so much!

Hm, I vaguely recall someone posting screencaps on remusxsirius, but I'm not positive. I guess if you were to find screencaps of that particular scene, though, that community would be the best place to look.
Aug. 3rd, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
i just found this story and it is absolutely brilliant! thanks so much for sharing *hugs*
Aug. 4th, 2007 12:20 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for reading!
Aug. 4th, 2007 03:20 am (UTC)
"Remus almost winced with how utterly detached Sirius’s voice was." And here we have Sirius with his unrealized realization, and Remus being equally unaware. It gets me every time.

I am seriously addicted to this story, and it's all your fault. Er, your talent.

As for the movie, yes, I almost choked at those little moments that said so much in such a short period of time. Because Remus had his arm around Sirius, and they were just a little too close to each other for ostensibly heterosexual men. Well, then again, J.K. Rowling never gave Sirius any love interest, and Tonks felt like a forced match even by canon standards.
Aug. 4th, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)
*lips are sealed*

Oh, the subtext just completely made the movie for me. And it is true - JKR never gave Sirius a love interest, and she seemed determined to pair everyone up with someone (even Hagrid got someone!) so of course it is only logical to come to the conclusion that he was completely gay for Remus Lupin XD

And it is probably incredibly mean of me, but...I smiled SO BIG when I read all the bits about Remus looking/acting miserable in DH, and I even laughed at a few parts. Hee, no love for Tonks XD
Aug. 6th, 2007 03:50 am (UTC)
Hee. Me, too. I was happy to see Remus miserable with Tonks. And I still say it's because she tricked him into marrying her by getting pregnant after seducing him one night when he was drunk and lonely and she made herself look like Sirius. And then the only reason he gets happy later is because Teddy is born and he loves his son. That's the ONLY reason.