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This chapter gave me such PROBLEMS. First there's the whole school thing, which, you know, major bummer, taking up all of my precious writing time. And then Sirius and Remus just REFUSED to cooperate with me and they were all like, "omg we just want to shag," and I was like, "NOT YET YOU STUPID POOFTERS." But then an amazing thing happened on Monday while I was off from school: I sat down at the computer and chapter eight just poured out. I wrote practically the entire thing in...I don't know, three hours maybe? Just about three hours for the longest chapter - not too shabby, eh? Then I took a lot of time to tweak and edit because I'm never happy with what comes out at first, and, as with most of my other chapters, I'm still not perfectly content, but Sirius and Remus have run away to go shag in other, smuttier stories and I can't get them to come back, so this will have to do.

If you're still reading this after the, what, two months this has taken, then I will be your cyber sex slave for the next two months. Except not really. I'll give you cookies instead, how's that?

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH. 


“So,” James said, his voice threatening to revert back to its pre-pubescent state. “Er.”

Sirius lifted his face from his Transfiguration text, cocking an eyebrow in classic Sirius Black style. “So…?”

“You and Moony, eh?”

“Um. Yeah. For a week now. Where have you been?”

“It’s not—hey, you have to admit, it did kind of come from no where. It still takes some getting used to. But anyway, that wasn’t my point.”

“Well then make one.”

“Right. Er. Well, like you said, it’s been a week now. And I know you, Sirius, and you and relationships don’t have that long-term factor. Ever.”

“Er, right,” Sirius cautiously agreed.

“And I understood all of that because those weren’t serious relationships and those girls were all looking for the same type of commitment that you were, which was basically snogging on a regular basis and a few rolls between the sheets and then you were done.”

“Is there really any necessity in you talking about this?”

“Yes! Look, I just want to know, is Moony another one of those girls to you?”

“Last I checked, Moony was quite male,” Sirius drawled.

“Sirius, you know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, I do, but I don’t know why you’re bringing it up. We’ve never talked about my love life before.”

“This isn’t just your love life we’re talking about. This is Remus. And, well…I just want to know if he is to you what all those girls were.”

Sirius shrugged. “He’s my mate. It’s different.”

James gazed steadily at Sirius, who squirmed under the scrutiny. “What?” he bit out in an irritated tone.

“Sirius…Remus isn’t like you. Remember in Fourth Year when he dated Kendall Frotherby? He got himself all worked up over not telling her that he’s a werewolf. He didn’t like having to lie to her all the time, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her either, so he broke up with her. With you, you already know about where he goes every full moon, so he feels more comfortable with you. Well, that and the fact that you’re a bloke.” James cracked a grin, but sobered again instantly. “Remus is the commitment type, Sirius. He’s not the type you just shag and leave.” He made a face as a new thought occurred to him. “You guys haven’t shagged yet, right?”

“Nah, couldn’t get rid of you and Pete long enough,” Sirius said with a lazy grin.

“Ha ha, funny, Black,” James deadpanned. “Look, I guess I just want to know…well, what are your intentions with Remus?”

“What are you, his mum?

“No, but…okay, well it’s not so much now that we’re all older and nearly all of us adults by Wizarding standards, but I always thought of Remus as…kind of a younger brother. You and me, we’ve been brothers ever since we met, but we’re like twins. We were always the finish-each-others’-sentences, wage-prank-war-together sort of brothers. But with Remus…he always needed protecting, you know? Being what he is and growing up the way he did. And it may be different now that we’re older—he may be different—but I still feel kind of responsible for him, and I just want to make sure he’s not going to get hurt. Because if you plan on doing with him what you’ve done with all those girls, he is going to get hurt, and I’ll just have to ask you to end this now before it goes any further.”

Sirius blinked. All this…over a prank? He was slightly stunned by what James had revealed—he’d never realized that James thought of Remus that way, never realized how protective James was of Remus. But now that he thought back, it was rather clear that James had always treated Remus a little differently—he’d been the one doing most of the talking when Remus had spoken anxiously of his relationship with Kendall, had been the one to let Remus cry on his shoulder when he’d finally ended it. James never rough-housed with Remus the way he had with Sirius or Peter, and he’d always been the most attuned to Remus’s pre- and post-transformation needs. When Sirius had come bounding into their dormitory and excitedly told James and Peter about the prank he’d pulled on Snape, James had punched him. It was remembering that punch that removed all traces of amusement from Sirius’s thoughts. “I promise you, Prongs,” Sirius said solemnly, “I will do everything in my power not to hurt Remus.”

James nodded. “Good. That’s all I needed to hear.” A lecherous grin blossomed on his face. “So, a whole week and Moony’s still not putting out? Tsk tsk, Messr. Padfoot, you are clearly not in top form.”

“Well, we came close one time, but it turns out my massive cock is too much for him to handle. Arseholes can only take so much pressure, you know. We found out that I give fantastic head, though.”

“Nngurk,” James said.

“Oh, and your Quidditch robes were the things closest to us when we heard you and Pete tramping up the staircase, so we had to use those to clean up quick. May want to give them a washing before you wear them to next week’s match.”

“I hate you.”


All in all, Peter mused, this prank was not going to be all that difficult to pull off, and he was amazed that the Marauders had never thought to do it before. It definitely seemed like something that Fifth Year Sirius would have thought up (well, Any Year Sirius, really, but Fifth Year Sirius had been the most inclined to suggest pranks of a lewd nature and pranks involving Severus Snape, and this prank had both key aspects).

So all right, brewing the potion might prove a bit challenging as it was not Peter’s forte, but he’d always done decently in the subject, so as long as he read over the instructions very carefully and didn’t rush himself as he tended to do in class, the potion should turn out fine.

No, the easiest bit, the bit that made this prank even more appealing for Peter, was the bit that could easily be pulled off using his Animagus form. Sirius might’ve been able to do it, but not James, and certainly not Remus who didn’t even have an Animagus form. Peter’s form was the very thing that was often employed for what he was going to have to use it for to pull off this prank—after all, what teacher was going to report a rat in their rooms to Dumbledore? Because that’s where Peter would be as Wormtail—in every teacher's room, as well as Dumbledore’s office and the Seventh Year Slytherin Boys’ dormitory.

I am brilliant, Peter thought with a cackle. Evans is sure to believe that James is behind this.


Speak of the devil. “Er. Hello, Lily.”

“What were you laughing about just now?”

Oops. I did that out loud? “Oh, er, just thinking of something that James said today. Funny bloke.”

“Hmmm. Sometimes. Anyway, I was just coming over because that essay we were set in Herbology has got me stumped and I know you’re quite the Herbology expert. Care to help out a classmate?”

I’d sooner eat a newt. A newt covered in the grease from Snape’s hair. “Uh, sure. But then could you help me with the wand work we were set in Charms? I always get myself mixed up what with all the swishes and flicks and jabs. Too many bloody steps, if you ask me.”

Lily smiled as she set her books down on the table across from Peter. “I know what you mean. I may like Charms, but I found that particular charm pretty tricky. It’s not so much remembering the separate steps as figuring out how to put them all together smoothly. I’ll be happy to help you out.”

“Great,” Peter said, surreptitiously sliding his prank-plotting outline into his bag. “So, what d’you need to know?”


“Could you please pass me the string beans, Pads?”

“’Course, love.” A swift kiss on the cheek accompanied the dish of string beans.

“Thanks,” Remus said as he began scooping the vegetables onto his plate.

It was amazing really. A kiss that would have made him send the string beans crashing to the floor just one week ago—well, four days ago, actually—was a kiss that he was now able to accept calmly, and could even acknowledge with a smile.

Remus had never been very keen on physical contact, which he supposed could be a werewolf thing, but which he rather suspected was more of a Remus Lupin thing. And now he was finding himself quite able to cope with all the public molestation he had been subjected to for the past week.

Maybe coping with it too well? came a sly voice in the back of Remus’s head.

Oh, no. No no no no no. That wasn’t it at all. It couldn’t possibly be. No, this was just two mates pulling off a prank. That was it. And if the one mate that had been uptight at first was now more relaxed, well, so much the better for the prank.

“Oi, Moony, get off your fat arse, we’re going back to the common room!”

“Huh? Oh, right. Coming, I’m coming.” Supper had ended without Remus noticing, and now students were flocking to the doors of the Great Hall, eager to start spending their Friday evenings the way all Friday evenings were spent in Hogwarts—with games, drinking, relaxing by the lake, drinking, or unwinding with friends (usually by means of smoking or drinking or both).

“We haven’t had a game of Exploding Snap in a while, what say you, Messr. Moony?” James slung an arm around Remus’s shoulders; Remus tensed slightly. “Up for indulging in a time-honored Wizarding game that has the potential to lead to mass pandemonium, or at least wreak slight havoc on your eyebrows?”

“Sure, Prongs,” Remus said, and was relieved when James removed his arm from his shoulders in favor of going to prod Peter into playing.

If that had been Sirius’s arm, you wouldn’t have felt so uncomfortable, that sly little voice said.

But what was so strange about that? He was used to Sirius touching him now, had forced himself to learn how not to react to Sirius’s hands and lips. It was perfectly fine to not feel so comfortable around James or Peter or any other student because he had no reason to have to be comfortable. For the sake of the prank, it had been necessity for Remus to learn relaxation around Sirius. It was nothing more or less than necessity.

Finally back in the common room, Remus slumped into his favorite chair, dropping his bag on the floor next to him. Sirius sat on the floor in front of him, leaning his body against the side of Remus’s leg. Peter settled himself right in front of the fire, being the Marauder most susceptible to the cold, and James flopped onto the couch, stretching out his legs and proving that he was too bloody tall. A number of other Gryffindor students that were already back from dinner gathered around, having been assured in the past that the Marauders always put on a good show.

“Got the cards, Pete?” James asked, pushing his glasses up his nose.

Peter nodded, slipping a hand inside his bag to withdraw the deck of Exploding Snap cards. “Who wants to shuffle?”

“I will,” Sirius said, and the game began.

Twenty minutes later, James and Sirius were involved in a tussle over whose card had been the cause of the last explosion as, ignoring the rules as usual, they had both placed a card at the same time.

“I think my nose may have burnt off a bit on the end there,” Remus said conversationally, trying to ignore the bundle of boylimbs flailing about just a few feet away from him.

“I think I’ve lost an eyebrow again,” Peter moaned. “I have no luck in this game at all.”

“Better luck than those two wankers,” Remus said loudly. “The both of them Quidditch players and not a steady hand between them.”

“That’s not what your mother said last night,” James said, bringing an abrupt end to the scuffle.

“I’ll show you steady hands.” Sirius leered for a moment before lunging at Remus, who gave an incredible shriek as the force known as Sirius Black pitched them both from the chair.

Tickle tickle tickle,” Sirius said, and he did just that.

“No—Sirius stop—ahahaha no no no stop—Sirius please nonono—Sirius—STOP, SIRIUS!”

Sirius snatched his hands away, eyes wide and apologetic. “Sorry, Moony. Did I hurt you?”

Of course Sirius would think that. “Er, no. No, I just—I have to—I’m tired, good night, you lot.” Remus grabbed his bag, holding it strategically in front of him as he exited the common room.

The three remaining Marauders exchanged Looks, silently agreeing to allow their friend time to get into bed and pretend to be asleep before following him up.

When Sirius, Peter, and James entered the room about two hours later, each of them having earned quite a few more burns and singed hairs, Remus was still telling himself that a hard-on acquired through a brief tussle with a highly attractive male—nevermind who the male was—was nothing to worry about. Surely this sort of thing happened to loads of other boys. It meant nothing.

When he woke the next morning, unsure of when exactly he’d fallen asleep, Remus was still having trouble believing the excuse his logical mind was providing for him.

There is no logic when it comes to—

Don’t say it
, Remus firmly told that sly little voice, not knowing exactly what word it was going to say but positive that he did not want to hear it. Just don’t say anything.

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble


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Jan. 18th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
i was excited to see another chapter up, i was starting to think you'd given up on it. it was another great chapter :)
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:38 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, your icon almost made me spit out my soda all over my keyboard.

But no, I have not and do not plan on abandoning this! It may be slow going, but I'm determined to finish it. It's just so much fun to write, at any rate. I don't think I could give it up that easily.

Thanks for reviewing!
- bleeding_slowly - Jan. 19th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
- ekaterin24 - Jan. 19th, 2007 02:51 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:23 pm (UTC)
AMAZING! You made my day. Here is a cookie. *gives cookie*
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:39 pm (UTC)
Mmmm, cookie.

Thanks, sweetheart :D
- blackwhole19 - Jan. 20th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
I've just read all the existing chapters in one fell swoop, and I'm really enjoying how things are taking shape. I especially liked Sirius torturing James in this chapter:

"We found out that I give fantastic head, though....Oh, and your Quidditch robes were the things closest to us when we heard you and Pete tramping up the staircase, so we had to use those to clean up quick. May want to give them a washing before you wear them to next week’s match.”

Poor Remus really shouldn't have been so surprised that wretling with Sirius got him hard. He is gay, Sirius is attractive, and they were wrestling.

(By the way, Messrs.--as in Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, etc.--is used in English as the plural for Mr. So, the singular should be Mr., not Messr.)
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:49 pm (UTC)
Of course I had to make Sirius torture James. What kind of humor fic would this be without Sirius torturing James by means of sexually explicit imagery?

I think it's more that Remus is not one to lose control that way, or at least, that's how I've always seen him. Not necessarily uptight, but just not the sort of bloke to really think about or experience those kinds of feelings. This view of Remus was probably mostly formed from The Shoebox Project, as that was the first R/S fic I ever read, but I think it works really well for him, so while I debated not using that particular scene with the wrestling, in the end, I thought it was appropriate. Or rather, appropriately inappropriate XD

As for Messr/Mr, I've seen arguments for both terms, but I am more inclined to believe what you said, despite using "Messr." in this fic. The only reason I decided to go with "Messr." in this is because I think it sounds so much cooler with the Marauders' nicknames than "Mr." Which I know is very bad on my part, especially as I'm a grammar freak of a rather ridiculous degree. I don't know, "Mr. Moony" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "Messr. Moony." Although I suppose you could pronounce them the same way. Ah well. I'll probably use "Mr." in future fics because eventually, the Grammar Nazi in me will win out.
Jan. 18th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
Ah, this is wonderful! (Felt the need to comment, for the now apparent feelings.) Great chapter.
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:12 am (UTC)
Any and all comments are appreciated :) Thank you!
Jan. 19th, 2007 02:00 am (UTC)
This is great! I can't wait for the next update. <33
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:13 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! Hopefully chapter 9 will be finished within the month...eheh...
Jan. 19th, 2007 02:15 am (UTC)
This fic...is perhaps the best and worst thing ever. Worst in that I have to minimize the screen from time to time to keep from killing myself with laughter, and best for the exact same reason.

Please do continue with it.
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
I will most definitely be continuing with it! Fear not! Thank you so much for your comment - it made me quite giddy :D
- aopt - Jan. 19th, 2007 03:27 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:00 am (UTC)
Yay! You're back with another chapter!
I like the tickling scene the best starting with Sirius picking up on Remus' "steady hands" comment and taking the leap. You wrote Remus' verbal reaction just perfectly--I could hear him and see him squirming--and then clueing into his physical reaction.

James basically telling Sirius not to break Remus' heart hit just the right notes for both their personalities.

And I'm intrigued by the hints about Peter's prank-in-the-making...

And a misplaced apostrophe near the beginning: "—in every teachers’ room,"--should be teacher's (unless they're sharing rooms.)

If you post some of that "R&S shagging" smut you can consider yourself my much-appreciated cybersex slave! (me and several dozen others at least...) Less fattening than cookies, and great for the cardiovascular system!
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:26 am (UTC)
I've always liked doing that sort of "verbal reaction" thing - sometimes things work best when you don't write out, step-by-step, what is happening, and I think for little moments like the tickling, it's almost more informative than a description would be. I'm glad you liked it!

I was afraid the James and Sirius bit would be too serious for this fic, but I've just always loved the idea of Remus being like a little brother to James, and...I don't know. It just wormed its way into this fic, and while I debated taking it out, I figured Sirius's comments throughout the exchange would keep it light-hearted enough to not be totally out of place.

Oh, Peter's prank will be fun indeed :) I by no means think it's the most creative prank out there, but it's what Peter came up with, and he insisted on carrying it out.

Oh dear, I shall fix that apostrophe immediately! It seems I really did write this chapter too quickly.

HAHA. Well, sorry to disappoint, but there probably won't be R/S shagging...in this fic at least. I won't deny that I considered it, but with the pacing I set for this story, it would just be going WAY too fast for me to have them shagging in it. I won't completely deny that I've toyed with some various R/S smutfics...I just need to become brave enough to write them. One of these days... ;)
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:27 am (UTC)

I saw this on my friendslist and got MASSIVELY excited.

You are driving me crazy with this story; I keep sitting there going "OKAY GUYS NOW JUST SHAG ALREADY PLZKTHX."

But seriously. Absolute love for you and this fic. ♥
Jan. 19th, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
Absolute love for YOU. Can I, like, adopt you? Seriously. I'm grinning like an idiot now.

Those silly, silly boys, denying their lust for each other. At least Remus is becoming somewhat unstupidified.

You are darling *gives cookies*
- mentarossa - Jan. 19th, 2007 03:46 am (UTC) - Expand
- yourssincerely - Jan. 19th, 2007 04:02 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 19th, 2007 06:36 am (UTC)
Ooh, yay! I just reread from the beginning and I am loving it more than ever. The last chapter was lovely, poor Remus. And I am very impressed with James and his insights. Nicely done.

More sooner? *flutters lashes at you*
Jan. 20th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! And I am hoping that chapter 9 gets finished much sooner than chapter 8. About half of chapter 9 is already written.
Jan. 19th, 2007 08:34 am (UTC)
I have missed this fic! And this chapter was so wonderful. Thank you! :)
Jan. 20th, 2007 05:51 pm (UTC)
Trust me, I've missed it too. Thank you.
Jan. 19th, 2007 09:30 am (UTC)
I feel like I'm reviewing so late over here... but I did read it already at ff (surprising, really, what with their ISSUES ::grumbles:: but, yeah). Lovely. Lovely.

School really can put a damper on writing fics. Papers and exams and plays on top of regular work. Break a leg!
Jan. 20th, 2007 05:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, FF.Net is really having issues. It's annoying. Uploading chapter 8 there almost gave me an aneurysm.

But thank you very much for both reviews!
Jan. 19th, 2007 12:29 pm (UTC)
Whoo Hoo! That was brilliant. Remus in denial! Haha. :)
Jan. 20th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)
It ain't just a river in Egypt ;) Thank you!
Jan. 20th, 2007 01:07 am (UTC)
I just discovered this a few days ago on remusxsirius, and im glad i did! I love your writing style, and your humor reminds me a bit of shoebox. I'm also glad that you've managed to avoid DPS (Dissappearing Peter Syndrome)unlike so many other fics. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Jan. 20th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
Oh my. Wow. To be associated in ANY way with Shoebox...wow. Thank you. Shoebox is basically my god so...wow. thankyousomuch.

Many authors seem to be afflicted with DPS, but I've found that writing and reading copious amounts of R/S fics can help overcome this disease ;)
Jan. 20th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
Beautiful, I love James in this one. And the tickling, haha, poor Remus.
Now I really can't wait for the next chapter.
Jan. 20th, 2007 10:40 pm (UTC)
Ah, James. In my mind, he really is such a sweetheart. It's just hard to see what with all his pranking and his inability to act sane around Lily.

Chapter 9 is getting somewhere! Let's just hope it gets there sooner rather than later ;)
Jan. 23rd, 2007 12:04 am (UTC)
Augh, this is brilliant! I love your writing style. PLEASE don't go on another two-month hiatus, I don't know what I'll do if you don't update soon!
Jan. 23rd, 2007 12:36 am (UTC)
I am trying desperately to get myself out of the "two-month hiatus" routine I've fallen into - chapter 9 is coming steadily along, and hopefully it will continue to go that way! Thank you so much for reviewing!
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