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Chapter seven is finally complete! There's just one little scene that I flat out hate, and I am playing around with it even as I type this (well, not as I type this because, you know, I can't type in two places at once, but you get what I'm saying) so hopefully I will be pleased with it soon and can then move on to chapter eight!

And the crack!fic is slowly coming to fruition. Oh my. It is going to be so much fun. I'm all twitchy with anticipation.

Onward to R/S shaggage ficage!

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.

It was clear as soon as they walked into the Potions classroom later that day that, supportive as James and various other Hogwarts students had been, not everyone was willing to wish the new “couple” well.

“I dunno, Moony,” Sirius muttered as he prodded the fire under his cauldron. “If I were actually dating you, I think I’d have to leave you just to keep that Daphne Caldwell from glaring at me every five seconds. She gives good glares, you know. I think my balls have run for cover.”

“If I were actually dating you, I’d be in our dormitory, hiding under my bed to save my poor ears from the death threats all the girls keep hissing at me every time I go to get some ingredients.” Remus shuddered. “It’s alarming how completely infatuated some of these girls are with you, you know.”

“Told you they’d be out to get you.”

“Yes, well.” Remus reached for his bottle of murtlap, uncorked it, and tipped it over his cauldron.

It took a moment for Remus to realize that nothing was coming out.

“Sirius,” he asked, as calmly as he could, “did you use the last of my essence of murtlap?”

“Hmmm? Oh, yes. I ran out last week. There should be more in the store room, no worries.”

“Fine then, you go get it.”


“Yes, you! If I pass by Loretta Waters again, I’m fairly certain she’ll hex me. Or just forget magic altogether and strangle me with her bare hands.”

“All right, you utter pansy, I’ll go get your sodding murtlap.”

“Aw, thank you, Siri darling.”

“Shut up.”

Sirius pointedly ignored Remus’s smirk and marched to the store room, making sure to give Loretta Waters a scalding glare on the way up. If he was going to play the role of “Moony’s boyfriend,” he was going to play it right.

“Essence of murtlap, essence of murtlap, sodding essence of bloody murtlap,” Sirius muttered as he deftly shifted the bottles around to read their labels.

“Are you quite finished with those, Black?” came a cold voice.

Sirius turned slightly, raising his eyebrow at the boy standing in the doorway. “Keep your knickers on, Everson. I’ll be done in a minute.” He shifted another bottle. “Ah, there you are. Well. This was lovely, Everson. Now, if you’d be so kind as to not block the exit, I could happily get out of your way.”

David Everson took a step into the store room, giving Sirius a Happy now? look.

“Thank you, good sir,” Sirius said, brushing past the Hufflepuff as he made to leave.

“Fucking fairy,” managed to reach his ears before he was out of earshot.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, turning on his heel, “what did you just say?”

Everson met his stony expression. “I think you heard what I said.”

“You’re right,” Sirius replied. And then he punched him.




“What’d you get?” Remus asked later, barely glancing up from his book as Sirius entered the dormitory.

“Two weeks’ detention,” Sirius answered, collapsing onto his bed. “Everson only got one week.”

“Yes, well, he wasn’t the one giving out rather remarkable black-eyes.”

“I was provoked!”

“Ah, provoked.” Remus set his book aside, sensing that he wasn’t going to be getting back to it for a while. “What did he say to set you off, eh?”

“Called me a fairy. A fucking fairy. Tell me, do fairies punch like that? I think not. Though I’ll admit, I really liked punching him. Everson’s a wanker, eh, Moony?”

Remus did not reply. Sirius glanced up and was surprised by the sober expression on his friend’s face.

“I think it’s best if we call this whole thing off,” Remus said, his tone flat. “This is ridiculous, you shouldn’t be having to put up with this for a stupid prank—“

“We’re not calling it off! If anything, it’s even more on.”

What? Sirius, come on, this is madness. There’s no need to put yourself through this—“

“Look, we’re already this far in, d’you think I’m going to bail out now? This school’s got a lesson to learn, and that’s respect.”

The fierce expression on Sirius’s face did nothing for Remus’s apprehension. “You are mad. People aren’t going to learn respect by having to see you stick your tongue down my throat. No, this is something I’ve got to deal with on my own. I’m the one who’s gay, Sirius, not you.”

“I know that, you idiot, but do you honestly think I’m going to back out on a prank? Come now, Moony, you know me better than that.”

“I still fail to see how this is a prank. It’s a ridiculous prank, and one that I’m pulling the plug on. You’re dealing with unnecessary discrimination, and I won’t have it. You don’t deserve to be treated like that when I’m the one that’s messed up.”

“You are not messed up, and don’t ever let me hear you say that again, Remus John Lupin. And you think I haven’t dealt with discrimination before? Bloody hell, Remus, I hear worse stuff from my own mother! The only reason I haven’t punched her yet is because once I start I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. So quit trying to save me—I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle it, Sirius! You’ve done nothing to earn it, so you don’t deserve their hatred!”

“And you do?”


Sirius leapt up from his bed, letting out a growl that made Remus cringe. “Jesus bloody fuck, Moony. Just stop it. You don’t deserve anyone’s hatred, d’you hear me? You don’t deserve it, and you certainly don’t need to deal with it alone. Why do you think we became Animagi, Remus? So we could help you, so you wouldn’t have to be alone. So you’re not going to be alone in this either.”

“This is an entirely different situation—this isn’t something that you can just join me in. What—are you all going to become gay too?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Just—look. If I do this for one week and then go back to my normal, bird-snogging self, everyone will see that blokes snogging blokes is no big deal! It won’t have changed me or diseased me or anything, and then they’ll know that poofters are no different from the rest of us. You just like cocks over breasts is all.”

Remus fixed Sirius with a severe gaze. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”

Sirius hesitated, lowering his eyes. “Well, all right, there will be some wankers that’ll just keep being wankers.” He heaved a sigh and sank down onto Remus’s mattress. “Can’t please everybody, you know. But I think at least some people will change their minds. And I think that’s worth having to put up with a few derogatory comments. You’re my friend, Moony, and I just want to help. In whatever fucked up way I can.”

Fucked up is right, Remus thought. I can’t believe I’m letting him do this. “Thank you, Sirius,” he said quietly. “You shouldn’t be doing this and I shouldn’t be thanking you for doing this, but thanks all the same.”

Sirius gave him a lopsided grin. “You’re welcome.”


Two rather extraordinary things were being experienced by Peter that evening.

For one thing, he was in the Library. Alone. Peter never ventured into the Library alone, having only been in there with the Marauders when they were still working out the kinks in the Marauder’s Map and, on occasion, with Remus, who was usually the one to volunteer to help Peter study what they’d gone over in class that he hadn’t been able to understand on his own.

The second rather extraordinary thing was that he was plotting. Not being sent to the kitchens to fetch refreshments, not just contributing small details like what stench should Snape emit or which astonishingly messy food item should be used to fill the Slytherin common room, and not just being debriefed by James on what task he’ll be carrying out that, he knew, could be carried out by Sirius or Remus or James in their sleep. No, this time, he was the one doing it all.

And he hadn’t the faintest idea where to begin.

“Right, well,” he said to himself before opening Charms That Will Turn Your Enemy Green With Envy (And I Mean This Quite Literally) to a random page.

He read.

Hmm, he thought. 

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change


Nov. 6th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
"People aren’t going to learn respect by having to see you stick your tongue down my throat." I dunno about that ... I'd be willing to learn oh so many things if that was what I got to watch while learning hehe :)
Nov. 6th, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
ROFL. So true. I could learn much respect watching a display of puppy love.
Nov. 6th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
ooo... what is little Petey plotting?

Hurryup, post more! *grin*
Nov. 6th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC)
Peter is plotting...something. Heh heh. I guess you'll just have to keep reading to figure out what it is ;)

Posting as quickly as I can! School must (most unfortunately) come first.
Nov. 6th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
loved this chapter
Sirius fighting with that bloke was great!
Nov. 6th, 2006 09:03 pm (UTC)
I really wanted to make Sirius punch someone. Heh heh heh. I am so evil to my characters sometimes. Thanks for reviewing!
Nov. 7th, 2006 08:30 am (UTC)
you're not evil, the bloke is bastard, he deserved it :P
and Sirius is so great, I can't wait to read chapter seven, when were you thinking of posting it?
Nov. 6th, 2006 09:39 pm (UTC)
Ooo... so that means... CHAPTER SEVEN is next, si? ::giggles happily like a schoolgirl:: There should be lots of snoggage. Of the Remus/Sirius or Sirius/Remus (more likely, granted) variety. Sirius punching wankers is quite lovely. OOoo. He should punch someone else in defense of dear Moony's honour. Not that dear Moony would appreciate it, of course, because he can defend his own honour, but Sirius would be quite ::makes 'mmmmm' sounds:: doing it. ;)
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:15 am (UTC)
Chapter seven is indeed next! If I can ever make that ONE STUPID SCENE acceptable. It's driving me crazy. But I shall persevere!

Having Sirius hit people is very therapeutic, both for him and for me =P

Thanks for reviewing!
Nov. 7th, 2006 12:47 am (UTC)
Oh, there's so much here that I love! Lily as Yoko Ono... Peter having *gasp* a personality... and the whole premise is godly and brilliant and w00t. I have to say that my favorite aspect of this story so far is Sirius, because I honestly don't know what I think of him. I'm not sure whether to think he's brilliant and sweet for attempting to rid Hogwarts of prejudice in one fell swoop or a stupid, insensitive bastard for not getting how completely different it is for Remus. I love having characters that I'm not sure of, I love it! Very much looking forward to the next chapter.
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:19 am (UTC)
I'm not sure whether to think he's brilliant and sweet for attempting to rid Hogwarts of prejudice in one fell swoop or a stupid, insensitive bastard for not getting how completely different it is for Remus.

That's really the thing about Sirius, or how I've always thought of him. His actions/reasons for his actions are so ambiguous - it really depends on which character's point of view you're looking at. I've always loved Sirius because of that, too - he may mean well, but sometimes, it just isn't well, but the fact that he's trying makes all the crap he's doing seem irrelevent. I'm glad you like Sirius! He's always been a favorite of mine :)

Thank you so much for your review!
Nov. 9th, 2006 12:58 am (UTC)
The thing is, though, that Rowling doesn't really get at what you're talking about very well. It seems like she's attempting to, what with Sirius's recklessness and Snape's memory in the fifth book, but a lot of times I see fanfic that gets at that much more accurately. You portray him really perfectly, darling.
Nov. 9th, 2006 02:29 am (UTC)
JKR doesn't really get into any of the Marauders pre-Azkaban, so I kind of made up my own personalities for them. For Remus and Sirius, I looked mainly at the scene in the Shrieking Shack in PoA, because that scene is really packed full of things that, if you look deep enough, really give you a lot of info about the two, both separately and together. For fun fics like this, I don't go too deep into the characters - this is just me having fun, so their playful/mischievous sides are going to come out more prominently than any other traits I imagine them having. But sometimes other things sneak in there =P
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)
What does devotchka mean? o_O Sorry if that's a stupid question.

*gasp* You're starting at chapter six? Bad! No! Go to chapter one! Ahhhh! All right, I am perhaps overreacting, but I never could do things out of order. If it works for you, then go right ahead! I am far too anal to read out of order.

I'm really glad that you see them as being "casual and boyish" - that's exactly what I was aiming for, and sometimes, I was afraid I might not be pulling that off exactly right, seeing as how I'm not a boy and could never understand those creatures enough to write them perfectly. So thanks very much :)

And I feel exactly the same - in crack!fic, it's fine to ignore Peter/make him amusingly stupid, but the rest of the time...well, at least don't ignore him, even if you can't be bothered to give him at least half a brain. And truly, I sympathize with those authors that want to make him stupid. But at the same time, he was a Marauder for a reason, give the guy some credit.

And I am going to shut up now - thanks for the review!
Nov. 7th, 2006 07:51 am (UTC)
I'm loving this very much. It's great because neither Sirius nor Remus secretly fancy each other, which is really nice for a change. =]
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:29 am (UTC)
I've read a couple of fics with this same basic plotline, and all of them had either Sirius or Remus (or both) secretly in love with the other, and so I decided to change it up and have some fun with it. Glad you like the change! Thanks for reviewing!
Nov. 7th, 2006 10:59 am (UTC)
That was brilliant! And you made them sound so smart! :) :) Awesome!
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:31 am (UTC)
On occasion, the puppies can actually be intelligent ;) Remus's book smarts don't count - he's rather socially retarded, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the review!
Nov. 7th, 2006 08:18 pm (UTC)
Really really enjoying this fic! Laughed so much at some parts, something cheerful like this was just what I needed! Lovely characterizations, and your Sirius is wonderful. Completely insane but making sense in his own unique way. Hope to see more soon :)
Nov. 8th, 2006 03:38 am (UTC)
I adore Sirius to pieces. He has quite an original perspective on matters and how they should be handled, and stupid as his solutions sound, they do make sense, in a very messed up sort of way. At least, that's how I've always imagined Sirius. The Sirius in my head is all sorts of interesting, which I'm sure you'll all get a chance to see as this fic progresses ;)

Thanks so much for your review!
Nov. 9th, 2006 07:54 pm (UTC)
I immensley enjoyed the Beatles reference in the last chapter! lol.

I'm really enjoying this so far. Sirius punching that Puff was great! Poor Remus is all worried. I can't wait for more.
Nov. 10th, 2006 03:06 am (UTC)
I heart The Beatles. I don't know what made me think of the Marauders/Beatles comparison, but it seemed rather fitting.

Badass!Sirius greatly amuses me. I really wanted to make him punch somebody, and that's how it panned out. I'm glad you like it so far! Thanks so much for reviewing!
Nov. 15th, 2006 11:22 pm (UTC)
I can't believe I somehow missed your posting of this chapter! Here's my favorite line, completely cracked me up: "Aw, thank you, Siri darling.”

On to the next chapter!
Aug. 4th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
I can't believe I somehow missed this comment! I'm sorry! But thanks so much for it, and I loved that line too =P
Aug. 4th, 2007 03:09 am (UTC)
I'm enjoying the Peter subplot more than I thought I would, and it fits in nicely with the overall story without detracting from my obsession with Sirius/Remus.

Oh, and there's just one little thing; the title of this chapter (which isn't in this entry but in later ones) has a typo. You have "it's" and it should be "its". Just thought you might want to know.
Aug. 4th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
You know, I almost kind of dreaded integrating the Peter subplot because, let's face it, no one likes Peter. But I've read too many fics with Disappearing Peter Syndrome and, much as I can understand an author's desire to shun him, it's not really plausible. So I decided to be nice and give young Peter a little something something ;)

Oh bugger. It would figure that it would be in a chapter title too. Thanks for pointing that out - I'll have to go through my posts and fix that D: