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Wow, it's been AGES since I updated in here. I am so, so sorry about that - it's just so easy to get caught up in things, you know? Gah, I really don't have a substantial excuse for why it's taken me so long to update. I hope this chapter is enough of an apology ;)

I think I've kept you all waiting long enough, so without further ado...ENJOY.

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.




One step closer to almost certain doom.


Two steps closer to almost certain doom.


Three steps closer to almost certain doom.


Remus could feel each and every eye in the Great Hall fixed upon him, which was exactly why he’d tried to avoid the moment by prolonging his meal in the hopes that the Hall would empty out before he had to face Sirius. Sirius had ruined that plan, though, when he stuck his head through the Hall doors and shouted, “Stop faffing about and get out here, you nonce.”


Remus had had no choice but to stop faffing about and walk towards what he felt was almost certain doom.


“Three galleons says Sirius is having us all on again,” Remus heard someone whisper from the direction of the Ravenclaw table.


“Five galleons says they shag in the hall closet,” came a somewhat louder whisper from the Hufflepuff table, causing a few Second Year Hufflepuffs to erupt into giggles.


Shut up shut up shut up, Remus thought desperately. He could feel the sweat gathering on his brow and the food he’d just consumed begin to churn in his stomach. It wouldn’t bode very well if the first thing he did was vomit on Sirius, now would it?


“There you are,” Sirius said, startling Remus into realizing that he was, indeed, there.


“Here I am,” Remus agreed shakily.


The two boys stared at each other for a rather uncomfortable thirty seconds, during which Remus was sure he was sweating his palms clear off his hands. The silence was finally broken when Sirius managed to say, “Remus—“


To which Remus interrupted with, “Do you really mean to have this conversation right here?”


Sirius looked a bit startled. “Er, I suppose?” At Remus’s expression, Sirius added, “Why not?”


“It’s just…you can’t possibly believe that nearly every student in there is not making up some excuse as to why they have to be out here right now, and this is really a conversation I’d rather not have in front of the entire student body.” Especially because it will probably end in tragedy, Remus thought morosely.


“Oh.” Sirius blinked. “Right. Um, we could sneak into one of the hall closets…“


Remembering the bet made at the Hufflepuff table, Remus thought it prudent to say, “Why not just go up to the dorm?”


“All right,” Sirius agreed, and the two made rather quickly for the staircase.


Not a word was spoken during the entire seven-floor trek, but quite a few loaded glances were exchanged.


Remus couldn’t even begin to fathom how he was managing to stay relatively calm. He supposed it was because the whole thing seemed so surreal, like he was having some odd nightmare that was about to wake him up in agony. He kept trying to replay Sirius’s announcement, but his brain kept stuttering over the scene as if refusing to believe it had actually happened.


Remus barely even noticed when Sirius murmured the password to the Fat Lady—“Hippogriff claws.”—and climbed somewhat dazedly through the portrait hole. He followed Sirius mechanically across the common room, up the stairs, right up to their dormitory, and then he felt his lungs begin to seize.


I will not hyperventilate, Remus told himself without much conviction.


Sirius walked five paces into the room before turning around to pin Remus with his grey eyes. “So,” he said.


Remus brushed past Sirius, determined to keep his calm façade up. “So?”


“What are you thinking?”


The question assumed that Remus was capable of any sort of rational thought right now. As it was, his brain was whirring much too fast for him to pick one comprehensible thought out of the lot of them. “About what?”


Look at me, dammit,” Sirius said, the fierceness of his tone startling Remus into whirling to face him. “What I said, in the Great Hall just now. What are you thinking about it?”


“I’m trying not to think about it, actually,” Remus said before he could stop himself.


Sirius scowled. “Well this conversation is going to take an awfully long time if you don’t start thinking about it soon, and I don’t think Mr. Prefect wants to miss class.”


“Too right,” Remus murmured. A small part of him wanted to keep stalling so that he could be saved by needing to run to class, but he knew the rage that would stir up in Sirius just wouldn’t be worth it. So he shrugged and said, “I honestly don’t know what to think of it.”


Sirius seemed to hunch in on himself. “Well, then,” he said, his voice sounding thin and strained. “Let me try to clarify.”




Sirius had always considered himself something of a wordsmith. Whether it was sweet-talking his way out of a detention, writing an entire essay of complete and utter bollocks (yet still receiving a fairly high grade), or quickly tossing out a witty insult to James when he felt he needed to shake things up a bit, Sirius was very much capable of finding just the right words.


In trying to find the words to explain to Remus how exactly he had reached his recent revelation, though, he utterly failed.


He launched into his explanation without much of an attempt at organizing his thoughts, and ended up having to continually backtrack and trip over things he had not meant to say. With his frequent stammers and “um’s” and “er’s,” Sirius had to admit to himself that believing Remus could make heads or arse of what he was saying was just this side of moronic.


“Bugger, I don’t think I’ve said any of that right,” Sirius interrupted himself, practically spitting in frustration.


“No, but I think I’ve got the gist of it,” Remus said faintly. “Let’s see if I’ve got this even minimally straight in my head, shall we?”




“So after my, uh, confession and subsequent avoidance of anything associated with you, James accused you of maybe being a little bit gay, which you adamantly denied.”


“Yes, but I wasn’t—“


“But then you couldn’t stop thinking about it, to the point of jeopardizing your sexual agenda.”


“Christ, you don’t have to make it sound so—“


“And then you kissed me because you were desperate to keep me around.”


“Well, yeah…”


“And had dreams about me.”




“But you didn’t form any conclusions about any of this until my ex-boyfriend molested you?”


Sirius blinked in shock. Whether it was more due to what Remus had said or because of the tone of voice he had used that hinted at his desire to burst out laughing, he couldn’t be certain.


“Well…I didn’t—I mean, it was just so—how was I supposed to know—damn it all to hell. All right, I’m a bleeding idiot, okay?”


Remus shook his head patronizingly, a small grin that threatened to expand touching his lips. “I honestly wonder sometimes about where you’d be without all these people around to do your thinking for you, Padfoot. Although I’m partially of a mind that maybe you’ve let these other people influence you and you really don’t fancy me—“


Sirius groaned. “There’s the reaction I was expecting. Now you’re a bleeding idiot, Remus Lupin. The signs are all there! They are there, and they have flashing neon lights around them that even I can see, once, you know, people pointed out to me that they’re there. But that’s beside the point. If even I managed to figure it out, then you have to accept it too.”


The grin on Remus’s face had managed to grow a bit despite his best efforts. He shrugged and said, “Sorry, you know how I get. This just seems all too surreal to me. I mean—you? Of all the people in this school, I never would have expected you to…”


“To what?” Sirius prodded.


Remus shrugged again. “Fancy me? Be gay?”


Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to look nonchalant. “Actually, I’m not all too sure about that last one. I mean, you’re the only bloke I’ve ever…well, you know.”


The perplexed look on Remus’s face was almost comical. “What?”


You know. The term just doesn’t seem to fit me is all.” He shuffled his foot a bit, looking and feeling awkward. “James called me a lycanthrosexual.”


Remus’s face squirmed. Sirius started to feel concerned and was about to ask Remus if he needed to go to the hospital wing when Remus let out a roar of laughter that made Sirius flinch.


“You two,” Remus choked out a minute later, “are so completely ridiculous. Honestly. Lycanthrosexual. Unbelievable.” He let out another small chuckle. “And you know, I feel I should make it noted that I feel slightly offended that you don’t see fancying me as grounds for labeling yourself as gay. I take it as an insult to my manhood.”


“You would,” Sirius scowled. “Look, I just…I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Let me ease into this, give a bloke some time to adjust, yeah?”


Remus snickered softly. “Sure, Sirius, sure.” His eyes suddenly locked onto Sirius’s, his expression taking on a feral edge that made Sirius feel one part terrified and one part excited. “Come here,” he said.


There was no ignoring a command said in that tone. Sirius’s feet started moving before his brain had really processed the words behind that low, silky voice.


Remus’s eyes kept pulling Sirius forward until they were just a hand-span apart. Sirius was afraid to move any closer, afraid to move at all. He just searched Remus’s expression for any hint of what he was supposed to do now.


He was saved the trouble when Remus leaned forward and kissed him.


It was so strange. Two weeks he had spent kissing these very lips now moving softly against his own; two weeks of chaste pecks on the lips and full-out snogging and everything in between, and yet this kiss, this gentle pressure of Remus’s lips on his own, felt entirely new.


Before he could register any more thoughts, Remus pulled away. Sirius felt a little cold at the loss of Remus’s lips, but didn’t let it show.


“Did you like that?” Remus asked.


“Um,” Sirius said, clearly uncertain about what exactly Remus was getting to. “Yes.”


“Good,” Remus said before leaning in again.


This time, Remus ran his tongue across Sirius’s lips before slipping it inside. Sirius fought to contain a moan as his tongue tasted Remus’s. He had a small, sudden shiver when he felt Remus run his fingers lightly over his back. He was about to move further towards Remus and let things get more interesting when Remus broke away. Again.


“And that,” Remus said, sounding slightly out of breath. “Did you like that?”


“Yes,” Sirius said quickly.


Remus gave a small smile before taking that one tiny step forward to bring their bodies flush against one another. Sirius’s happy sigh was lost as Remus brought his lips to his again.


Sirius couldn’t figure out what exactly was different about this kiss when compared to all the other kisses he and Remus had shared during that fateful prank, but that didn’t change the simple fact that it was. There was something in the way their mouths slid against each other that wasn’t there before, something in the way Remus’s hand clenched in Sirius’s hair when Sirius wrapped an arm around his waist that was inexplicable.


And then Remus rocked his hips against Sirius’s and oh god he NEVER did that before, dear sweet Merlin.


Sirius could not contain his moan this time.


When Remus broke the kiss, he leaned his forehead against Sirius’s, breath ragged, and asked, “Like that?”


Yes,” Sirius breathed.


Though his eyes were closed, Sirius could tell that Remus was smirking now. “Still not gay?”


“Don’t know,” Sirius managed. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”


Remus chucked softly. “You are impossible, Sirius Black.” Sirius felt him lean back and opened his eyes to look at him. “And I love you.”


Sirius swallowed. “Moony…”


Remus shook his head. “Don’t say anything. I know you don’t feel the same. I just…wanted to say it. I shouldn’t have, but I wanted to.”


Sirius bit his lip, feeling like a prat. “Maybe I don’t yet. But I do fancy you an awful lot, Remus Lupin.”

Sirius could see right through the playful mask on Remus’s face. “Do you really?” he asked, attempting to keep his tone light.


Sirius wanted to snog all of Remus’s insecurities away, but he didn’t think that would be the proper way to deal with it. “Really, really,” he said, his tone not so light. “In fact, I fancy you so much I may even let you top the first time we have sex.”


He laughed when Remus cuffed the backside of his head, as he’d expected.


“All joking aside,” he said, “I really do fancy you. I can’t even begin to explain how crazy I felt when you kept avoiding me. I was going mad not being around you, even if I didn’t really understand why yet.” He saw the glimmer of amusement in Remus’s eyes. “But I do now.” He kissed Remus’s cheek. “You call me out on all the shit everyone else is too afraid to call me out on, but you know when to back off and let me realize what a prat I am on my own.” He kissed Remus’s other cheek. “You stand up to me when I need someone to deflate my ego a bit, and you aren’t afraid to deal with me when I’m in one of my moods.” He kissed Remus’s nose. “You have one of the most devilish minds I’ve ever known, save maybe James’s, and yet you’re also the most decent person I’ve ever met. You’re the perfect Marauder—you make up the most wicked pranks, and you’re always there for us, for me. Like the one time I dripped snot all over you because my parents disowned me. Although we don’t talk about that.” He flashed Remus a quick grin before kissing him on the mouth. “And you’re a million other wonderful things that either are too poncey to say out loud or I just can’t think of them right now because really all I can think about is how much I just really, really want to kiss you again.”


He had a chance to register the unreserved joy on Remus’s face before Remus grabbed his tie and pulled him down for another kiss.


Sirius almost started laughing out of sheer shock. He hadn’t had the faintest idea on whether or not he was saying the right things to Remus, had just let his mouth run in the hopes that maybe he’d at least say something to get that dejected look off of Remus’s face. Remus’s enthusiastic response was much more than he’d expected, but it was definitely what he’d wanted, and he made a pleased sound in the back of his throat to let Remus know.


He wasn’t prepared when Remus pushed him backwards towards the floor, and the sharp crack of his skull against the stone elicited an, “Ow, fuck,” from Sirius. His pain was quickly forgotten when Remus’s mouth covered his own.


There was nothing soft or sweet about these kisses, just tongues and teeth and desperation. The heady feelings threatened to devour Sirius, but he was blissfully content to let it happen, so long as Remus kept kissing him like that.


Sirius couldn’t help but wonder at—and congratulate himself for—the monster he had managed to unleash. He almost chuckles at the thought—never has he considered Remus’s lycanthropy grounds for referring to him as a monster, yet his lust earns him the epithet—but he refrains because he doesn’t want to have to explain to Remus why he’s laughing when, really, it’s not very funny, and why is he considering laughing when Remus’s tongue is doing that?


Remus’s mouth moved to trail bruising kisses along Sirius’s jaw, his throat, his collarbone. Sirius’s mouth didn’t like to be left hanging, and he found himself asking, “D’you know what I think?” He hadn’t meant to sound quite so breathless.


Remus slipped his hands under the edge of Sirius’s t-shirt and slowly, slowly pulled it up over Sirius’s head. “That you talk too much?” He smirked as he tossed the t-shirt over his shoulder.


“I think”—fast, shallow breathing as Remus’s tongue trailed over the hollow of his throat—“I might”—a moan as Remus nipped softly on his ear—“be a little bit gay.”


Remus’s face is suddenly looming over Sirius’s, his eyes glittering. “I think you talk too much,” he said, and the frank desire and ferocity of his kiss quite knocks any sensible thought left in Sirius’s head out.


The heated kisses soon lead to fumbling in their hasty attempts to undo the other’s trousers, and their success is marked with gasps of pleasure and relief. Sirius feels so ridiculous for feeling tentative now after they’ve already gone so far, but he falls prey to a moment’s hesitation before reaching out to touch Remus. He is rewarded when, a moment later, he feels Remus touch him.


They rub and push, and every breath taken is transformed into grunts and moans and fuck, yes. Sirius grabs Remus’s face between his hands and kisses him with I’m sorry I’ve been such a prat and I think I might love you too. Remus’s kiss replies with I know.


And then they’re groaning and grinding, Remus’s hands twisting in Sirius’s hair and Sirius’s hands clutching at Remus’s shirt.


Remus lays bonelessly on top of Sirius in the aftermath, both of them pressing soft, quick kisses against whatever part of each other they can easily reach. Remus pushes Sirius’s damp hair off his forehead, and Sirius thinks how lovely it would be to just stay this way forever.


“Hey, Rem,” he says.


Remus lifts his head marginally from where it was nestled on Sirius’s chest.


“I hate to break this to you,” Sirius says gravely, “but I think we missed class.”


Remus laughs and keeps on laughing until Sirius transfigures it into a moan.




A/N: Some of you might be thinking, “Well, that was fast.” What with the whole sexing bit. My response: They’re 18-year-old boys that have discovered they are rather attracted to one another. It doesn’t make sense for them to go slow. Hence the rather instant gratification. Somehow, I don’t think many of you will be complaining about that ;)


Love you guys! Hope you’re still reading after the ridiculously long non-updating period I’ve made you suffer through.

Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else
Chapter Sixteen: Any Solution But That One
Chapter Seventeen: Of Advantages Not Taken and Being Stupid
Chapter Eighteen: Figuring It Out
Chapter Nineteen: The Hetero or Homo Dilemma


Apr. 20th, 2009 08:04 pm (UTC)
Oh my, thank you for all the wonderful comments! Hardcore blushing right now. ♥

It really did take me forever to write this chapter - so sorry about that! I really can't even begin to explain all the things I got caught up in that kept me from writing, but I finally found a window of free time to write, and that's really all that matters isn't it? =P

While this is not the last chapter, there should (unless I get another brain burst, which has happened to me a lot with this fic) only be one more chapter. Just to sort of wrap everything up ;D