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I am really getting very bad about keeping this journal as up-to-date as FF.Net x_x Sorry about the delay with this chapter post, guys. And just so you know, I've been working on chapter 20 during my winter break and I think it's just about done - hopefully I can have it finished by the end of this week since that's when I go back to school. I WILL finish this fic, even if it kills me! Thanks so much for all the lovely comments you guys - you are the best part of writing this fic :)

Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)

Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
A/N: There is a quote in this chapter that I definitely stole from an icon I've seen floating around LJ. I have no idea who made the icon or where the quote originated from so I can't give proper credit, but if you can spot the quote and tell me who said it, I will credit the next time I post.

xXxXx

 

Sirius prowled slowly around the dormitory, eyes darting warily around the room.

 

He peeked into the bathroom. Suspiciously, he checked the shower stalls before backing out of the small room. He glanced at the drawn aside curtains on each of the four-poster beds; he lowered himself to the floor to look under the beds; he squinted into the crevices between the dressers and the wall. Looking relieved, Sirius crossed the room to his bed and plopped gracelessly onto it.

 

With one last cursory glance around the room, Sirius drew a deep breath and announced to the (definitely) empty room, “I’m gay.”

 

The two words seemed to hang in the air around him.

 

“No, wait, that’s not right,” Sirius said discontentedly. “I’m bisexual.”

 

He paused for a moment, replaying the words in his head. Groaning, Sirius flopped back onto the bed miserably. “That’s not right either,” he said in frustration. “I don’t know what I am.”

 

The door suddenly opened with enough force that it banged loudly against the wall; Sirius fell in a heap on the floor.

 

“That’s payback for yesterday,” James said conversationally as he strolled into the room. “Although it’s a far longer fall from a desk to the floor than the bed to the floor, so perhaps we’re not quite even yet.”

 

“You’re a prick, James Potter,” Sirius muttered as he pulled himself back onto his bed.

 

“Must be why I get along with you so well,” James replied cheekily, flinging himself onto his own bed.

 

Sirius snorted as he fell back onto his pillows. He listened as James settled back as well, hoping the other boy would say something to get his mind off of things. Sirius was even willing to listen to James prattle on about that ridiculous redhead. He sat in silence, biting his tongue rebelliously to quell the urge to spout out something stupid; it was like he was fighting a war with his mouth, traitorous thing that it was. The longer he waited out the silence, though, the more difficult it became to keep the upper hand.

 

“I’ve got a question for you,” Sirius said before he even realized his mouth had won the battle.

 

“No, you can’t borrow my Invisibility Cloak to go spy on the Prefects’ bathroom,” James promptly replied.

 

“Prat,” Sirius grumbled, “that’s not what I was going to ask you.”

 

“You can’t use it to scare Filch either. He’s onto us, you know.”

 

“You—would you shut up about the Invisibility Cloak? That’s not what I want to ask you about!”

 

“Well then, what was it you wanted to ask me?”

 

Sirius swallowed audibly. “This is purely hypothetical,” he stated. He shot a glance at James, noting the blank look on the other boy’s face. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and plunged forward. “Say there’s this person,” he started. “Just your average person. And this person liked this other person, and really only this other person, no one else. So this person couldn’t really be considered heterosexual or homosexual, now could he? Because he only likes that one other person. So what exactly would this person be?”

 

Sirius really didn’t like that blank look on James’s face.

 

Just as he was about to say, “Nevermind,” and flee the room, James started roaring with laughter.

 

Sirius didn’t like the laughter any better than he had liked the blank look.

 

“What’s so funny?” he demanded, sitting up on his bed to fix James with an angry glare.

 

James pulled himself into a sitting position too, obviously working hard to swallow down his laughter. He looked at Sirius with a wicked grin and answered, “You’re a lycanthrosexual.”

 

Sirius spluttered for a moment before he managed to say, “A what?

 

James laughed again, obviously enjoying Sirius’s discomfort and confusion. “A lycanthrosexual,” James repeated gleefully. “You dig werewolves.”

 

Sirius’s mouth fell open; James laughed even harder. “What—I don’t—how did you know?” Sirius wailed.

 

“Oh, come on, Sirius,” James said flippantly. “After the way you and Remus have been dancing around for the past few weeks? Remus finally came out and admitted it, and I figured it was only a matter of time before you did too.”

 

What?

 

“I didn’t know at first,” James admitted. “I mean, you’re you. You’ve been with more girls than you could possibly count. But then I thought about it, the way you’ve been acting lately and that whole April Fools’ thing, and it seemed pretty obvious.”

 

Sirius stared at James for a long minute before huffing, “Why is it that everyone seems to have figured it out before I did?”

 

“Because you’re you.”

 

“Right,” Sirius said flatly.

 

“Cheer up, mate. At least you did figure it out. I was afraid I might have to bring it up soon.”

 

“Er, actually,” Sirius said uncomfortably. “Uh, I kind of had some help. From Landon Mathers.” Sirius blanched slightly and then hurriedly added, “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

 

James quirked an eyebrow at Sirius’s reaction but decided not to press the issue. Yet. “Well, so long as you know now. You going to tell Moony?”

 

How? What would I say? ‘Hey Moony, I recently discovered that I rather fancy you. Exploding Snap?’”

 

“How the bloody hell have you managed to get so many girls?” James said indignantly. “You’re even worse than I am!”

 

“This is radically different from getting a girl to go out with me,” Sirius snapped. “It’s Moony, who’s, you know, a boy, and—and it’s just different, okay?”

 

“Because you like him a lot more than you’ve liked any of those girls.”

 

“I didn’t say that!”

 

“Didn’t have to,” James said with a gentle smile.

 

Sirius swallowed his anger, feeling somewhat touched at how understanding James was being. “Am I really that obvious?” he asked with a sigh. “How did I not notice before?”

 

“You are, and you didn’t because you didn’t want to,” James said. “You can be awfully stubborn, Pads, even if it’s all subconscious.”

 

“I can’t believe this,” Sirius groaned. “It’s…it’s…surreal.”

 

“I can only imagine,” James chuckled. “Realizing you like your male best friend? Very surreal.”

 

“Not just that,” Sirius said. “The fact that you’re being so damn perceptive.”

 

“Hey!” James protested. “I notice things!”

 

Sirius snorted. “Sure you do.”

 

“You know what? Your cruel words mean nothing to me. Because you are clearly so distraught that you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Sirius snorted again, but a grin flitted across his face and James knew that Sirius wasn’t so upset or angry anymore. A not-so-very-uncomfortable silence settled over the two friends.

 

Sirius waded through his many, muddled thoughts, trying to figure out the hows and the whys of the whole situation. How had he not noticed? How had James noticed? Why did he suddenly have these not-so-platonic feelings about his best friend? Why hadn’t anyone told him sooner, if it was so very obvious?

 

And the biggest question of all, the what that stood out amongst all the hows and whys: What was he going to do?

 

“So,” James’s voice cut through the haze of Sirius’s mind, “what are you going to do?”

 

Sirius contemplated the question. He thought of all the many ways he could deal with this, some solutions much scarier than others. The more he thought, the more he realized that Remus was going to be a very, very big obstacle.

 

Even if Sirius went to Remus right now and confessed his feelings, he knew Remus wouldn’t believe him. Remus could be as stubborn as Sirius himself sometimes, and that logical brain of Remus’s wouldn’t easily let the boy come to terms with the fact that maybe Sirius was a huge lycanthrosexual (and he was going to have to kill James for that term because it was never, ever going to leave his head now). He couldn’t prove himself to Remus by kissing him, because he’d already done that in a way and look how well that had turned out.

 

There was really only one thing to do, one way that could even begin to penetrate Remus’s stubborn mind. One way that could truly be considered the Sirius Black Way.

 

Sirius smiled at James and answered with cryptic simplicity, “Be me.”

 

xXxXx

 

Remus was up quite early despite the fact that he’d slept very fitfully. After Landon had charged out of the Library, Remus had spent the better part of an hour hiding right where Landon had left him. Once he figured enough time had gone by, he’d set out to find the boy; he wasted a good forty minutes before remembering the Map was still in his bag, but by the time he’d fished it out, Landon was safe in his dormitory, and Remus was left not knowing what had happened.

 

Oh yes, he had slept very fitfully.

 

Remus quickly washed and dressed himself before slipping out of the dormitory to eat an early breakfast. He knew Sirius would be angry with him for the avoidance tactic, but it was still too soon for Remus to be able to face him.

 

Remus had tried looking at the situation from every angle possible, had thought up all sorts of solutions that were each as improbable as the next. Sirius wouldn’t let Remus avoid him, but Remus couldn’t be around Sirius as often as Sirius would like. Sirius would never be able to return his feelings, but Remus couldn’t get rid of them. The entire situation was just conundrum after conundrum. He had forced himself to accept the fact that no matter what he or Sirius did, neither would be happy. There was no good solution to this problem.

 

The cold truth made Remus feel more miserable than he’d thought possible.

 

I’ll leave, Remus thought to himself. After graduation. Maybe I’ll go to Portugal, or Ireland, or Australia. I’ll tell Sirius it’s for work. He’ll still be upset that I’m leaving, but what choice do I have? It’s just too awkward otherwise. Best to leave and let us both move on.

 

Now Remus was truly more miserable then he’d thought possible.

 

But what else could he do? He couldn’t watch Sirius continue going through girl after girl, and he certainly couldn’t accept what Sirius had offered him the other night. Someday, when he’d had a chance to get over Sirius Black, he would return, and maybe they could pick up where they’d left off.

 

Remus groaned pitifully as he sank onto a bench at the Gryffindor table. “Why does this have to be so bloody complicated?” he muttered as he reached for the toast.

 

He’d gotten through two slices of buttered toast and half of the generous helpings of eggs he’d heaped on his plate when Sirius strode into the Great Hall.

 

Remus gulped down the mouthful of eggs he’d just put into his mouth, coughed as he choked on the hastily swallowed food, and then drained his goblet of pumpkin juice to clear his throat. He watched Sirius glance critically around the Great Hall, which was fairly full for nearly eight o’clock on a Tuesday morning. He looked quickly away when Sirius’s gaze fell on him, and when he chanced a glance back up, saw Sirius striding purposefully towards the Hufflepuff table, a determined look on his face.

 

Remus saw Landon out of the corner of his eye, looking rather smug. He was a bit worried that Sirius was going to talk to Landon—they’d already talked last night, what more could they have to say, especially since Remus still didn’t know what had happened last night—but that idea was nixed when Sirius pulled himself on top of the Hufflepuff table.

 

The sound of hundreds of conversations slowly died down as people began to notice that Sirius Black was once again standing on a table during mealtime. Clearly, everyone was wondering what stunt Sirius could possibly be pulling this time. Remus was fairly certain his pulse was beginning to race as he wondered the same thing.

 

“Students of Hogwarts!” Sirius called out, and the few conversations that had still been going on were immediately broken off. “About this time last month, I was announcing to you all that I was a gay man. And then about two weeks after that, I told you I wasn’t. And now I’m going to tell you all that while I’m not gay…I’m not exactly straight either. Because I rather fancy Remus over there, and I suppose the fact that he’s a boy makes me a bit of a poofter.” Sirius turned to grin at Remus, who was quite certain his heart had stopped altogether at this point. “I fancy you, Remus Lupin,” Sirius declared, “and I think it would be smashing if we could discuss this in private. Meet me outside the Hall.” Sirius turned his gaze back to the general population of Hogwarts. “Ta, everyone! Until the next time I have a sexual identity crisis!”

 

And with that, he leapt off the table, gave Remus a pointed look, and swept out of the hall.

 

Remus’s fork clattered onto his plate.

 

“What just happened?” he whimpered.

 

He received no answer even though every single student in the Great Hall was discussing nothing else.

 

xXxXx



Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else
Chapter Sixteen: Any Solution But That One
Chapter Seventeen: Of Advantages Not Taken and Being Stupid
Chapter Eighteen: Figuring It Out

Comments

blabberbunny
Jan. 7th, 2009 05:41 pm (UTC)
Awesome chapter! I love this.

“Ta, everyone! Until the next time I have a sexual identity crisis!”

That made me laugh. So Sirius. :D
yourssincerely
Jan. 7th, 2009 05:47 pm (UTC)
Wow, thanks so much for all the comments! I'm so glad you like the fic! Sirius is an interesting boy, no? ;) Haha, thanks so much for reading, and hopefully I'll have chapter 20 finished and posted soon!
tinocka
Jan. 7th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
“Ta, everyone! Until the next time I have a sexual identity crisis!”

Oh, Sirius!

I love this fic :) I can´t wait for more :)
yourssincerely
Jan. 7th, 2009 09:06 pm (UTC)
Haha! Sirius is so much fun, isn't he? :D

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
lanenk
Jan. 7th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahahahaha
“Ta, everyone! Until the next time I have a sexual identity crisis!”
Oh... That was brilliant and soooo Sirius. :D
Poor Remus never new what hit him.
How come fun stuff like this never happened at my school?
yourssincerely
Jan. 7th, 2009 09:07 pm (UTC)
I adore Sirius to pieces, I really do. *g*

Haha! I know what you mean about fun stuff at school. Why can't we go to Hogwarts?

Thanks for reading!
mysecretashes
Jan. 7th, 2009 11:12 pm (UTC)
I love it! :D And I'm going to copy everybody else and quote this line:

“Ta, everyone! Until the next time I have a sexual identity crisis!”

So hilariously Sirius! I can't wait to see what Remus will do next.
yourssincerely
Jan. 8th, 2009 02:18 am (UTC)
It is a very Sirius line, isn't it? =P Sirius makes life very interesting. And he can't wait to see what Remus will do next either ;)

Thanks for reading!
the_amberly
Jan. 8th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
I want more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so addicted to this story!
yourssincerely
Jan. 8th, 2009 02:19 am (UTC)
Hopefully more will be posted soon! I'm trying my best to get the next chapter cranked out ASAP!

Thanks so much for reading!
youshi_semenjyu
Jan. 8th, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)
I just sat here for about...how long was that? Two hours? Reading every single chapter of this positively WONDERFUL fanfiction that you ahve going here!

And you've got me hanging so horribly, it should be illegal!

Looking forward to the next one; I love your way with words and characterization!
yourssincerely
Jan. 8th, 2009 03:56 am (UTC)
*blushes* Thank you so much! I admire your dedication to reading this fic =P

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'll try my best to have chapter 20 out ASAP!
youshi_semenjyu
Jan. 8th, 2009 03:57 am (UTC)
\o/ Looking forward to it!
kellygreen
Jan. 8th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
I haven't read any R/S in ages and this has just reminded me why they're my ultimate OTP. I love the voices and characterisations you've given the boys, and the tension between the two of them has been just delicious. I adore your James and I'm so glad you've made Peter a sympathetic, funny, and likable character instead of a) writing him out completely or b) making him into a character those boys would have had nothing to do with in the first place, let alone befriend. I loved his solo prank!

I can't wait the next chapter! I've just read the whole thing in one sitting and now you've left us on such a massive cliffie and it's not fair! Haha. Good luck with your writing!
yourssincerely
Jan. 8th, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC)
*hardcore blushing* Thank you so, so much! I love the Marauders a lot, so it makes me feel UNBELIEVABLY good to know that someone thinks I've done justice to the characters.

Disappearing Peter Syndrome has always irritated me. I can understand why authors would want to be so afflicted, but it just makes no sense to write that way; it makes the Potters seem stupid and practically suicidal.

I'm trying my best to get chapter 20 finished and posted ASAP! Hopefully I won't have to leave you guys hanging much longer :)

Thank you so much for reading and for your wonderful comments!
doubledgedtruth
Jan. 8th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
I'm not exactly sure, because I don't read an abundant amount of R/S, really for lack of time more than anything else, but was the quote about Sirius being "Remus-sexual"? I remember reading a fic, I think it was in the country, after Sirius got kicked out of his home and ended up staying with Remus for a while? I could be mixing two fics up by the same person because I remember really liking the one story, and searching out some more. I remember two things specifically, that Remus's mum was an animagus (lioness), and that the person's icon was a cascading rainbow of square-ish markers.

This was easily six months ago, so sorry if everything is so muttled.
yourssincerely
Jan. 8th, 2009 10:30 pm (UTC)
Hmmm, don't remember ever reading anything like that. But you picked out the right quote! See, I have an icon saved that says, "Sirius is a lycanthrosexual (he digs werewolves)" and unfortunately never found out who made it or where the quote came from. It's possible the iconmaker was basing the icon off the fic you're talking about!

Thanks for reading!
elibeth_hobbit
Jan. 8th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
Yay.
Wow, I just read the whole nineteen chapters in about two hours and I have to say I reeeeeally need to know what happens next. Looking at the first chapters and how long ago you started this, though, I realize how much effort you have put into it. (A LOT) I love it and how realistic it is and how fantastically dense and confused Sirius is. It has depth, you know, not totally centered around just Remus and Sirius, you give consideration to James and Lily, and even Peter. Wonderful. You see, I am relatively new to the whole fanfiction scene. I only just found out there was such a thing in September on '08. This was absolutely brilliant and thank you for writing fabulousness.
In the meantime, I shall content myself with rummaging through your other delicious-looking fics...
Cheers!
yourssincerely
Jan. 9th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)
Re: Yay.
Oh wow, thank you for the wonderful comment! I'm really loving the fact that you and quite a few others like the fact that I didn't completely focus on Remus and Sirius. I know I personally don't really like stories that have just one plot line, and concerning Marauder-era fics, I tend to get really irritated when Peter is left out/completely stupidified, and it really makes me happy that others agree with me!

Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfiction! I feel it is my duty to direct you to a wonderful fic that, if you haven't already, you must definitely check out. It's pretty much considered THE Remus/Sirius fic - hell, it's pretty much considered THE Marauder-era fic. The Shoebox Project is what really converted me into an R/S shipper, and it's basically required reading for all R/S shippers: http://lomara.org/sbp/ (Unfortunately, the LJ that hosted SBP was recently hacked and the parts have not yet been restored, but that website has all the parts in PDF format. Enjoy!)
elibeth_hobbit
Jan. 9th, 2009 05:59 am (UTC)
Re: Yay.
Ooo! Thank you for the rec. No one has given me one before. And thank you, also, for the warm welcome! ^_^
kawaii_tenshi27
Jan. 14th, 2009 08:46 pm (UTC)
I think I may have read this on ff? I don't know. It feels like it's been forever since I've read anything from HP, I've been too distracted by other fandoms. I've missed it, and your writing. It's so much fun. :)

Can't wait to read the next chapter! ♥
yourssincerely
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:14 am (UTC)
Haha, you probably did read it on FF.Net - I posted this chapter over there a LONG time ago. I also feel like it's been forever since I read anything HP, although that's more due to not having time than being involved in other fandoms.

I miss your writing too! Any chance of more R/S goodness from you anytime soon? ;) Although I'm hardly one to talk, haha.

Thanks for reading (again!).
ameryth74
Jan. 24th, 2009 12:14 pm (UTC)
Gah... the torture...when I started reading this story tonight, I thought (foolishly...lol) that is was complete... and now its 4:07am... and you've left me with a cliffie... lol. I can't figure out exactly where this story gets updated to, so I can figure out how to be alerted when you update, short of constantly checking the RemusxSirius community, which sadly, I just don't have enough time to do... but now I am utterly invested in your story and must experience it to its conclusion... please advise...lol

PS - Now I have to add Landon Mathers to my list of "fictional gay men I am in love with" lol... That makes three... so if "three's company" then I think Sirius, Remus, and Landon are all in good company... BRAVO for writing such a lovable OC... I was (without bitterness, etc) totally into the Remus/Landon thing... despite my undying love for R/S.... and I even cried when Remus broke up with him... lol.
yourssincerely
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:20 am (UTC)
The place I update first is FanFiction.Net. You can find this particular fic at this link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3078769/1/Delicious_Irony_And_Other_Acquired_Tastes. If you have an FF.Net account, I would suggest adding it to your chapter alert list for the quickest and simplest way to receive updates. Otherwise, I try to update this community ASAP after posting the new chapter to FF.Net, so you can friend this community to check for updates!

So sorry for the cliffhanger! I'm trying my best to get chapter 20 finished as quickly as possible :) And it really makes me incredibly happy that you liked Landon! OCs are usually really hated haha. Anyway, thanks for reviewing, and hopefully there will be an update soon!
isthatasandwich
Feb. 2nd, 2009 12:07 pm (UTC)
Hmm. How can I phrase this?
YOU ARE AMAZING, I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.
That about says it. Sirius speech on the table will go down as my number one Sirius/Remus moment ever. Another reason you are amazing: you have created possibly the best OC I have ever read. Every other OC has pissed me off, but Landon... can anyone hate him? I have only recently gotten into Sirius/Remus, and this fic has cemented my love of them. In short, you rock, and update soon. Please?
yourssincerely
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:24 am (UTC)
I am grinning really stupidly right now. Thank you so much! Sirius's speech was definitely one of my favorite parts to write, and it was so simple because it was just so Sirius ;)

I love the response that Landon was getting - just what I'd hoped for, actually =P I was really nervous about writing an OC because people generally hate them on principle, and I needed mine to be liked. So you can imagine how happy I am that people actually DO like him!

Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm off to work more on chapter 20 right now! :D